Your food horoscope is comin’ in fast

By Riley Martens, February 16 2019 —

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Hankering for a midterm study sesh snack, you’ll head to the nearest fast-food chain. Walking into that McDonald’s will be a regrettable choice. Plastic cheese will be stuck to the windows. Ketchup will be smeared across every available surface. Burgers will scuttle around, having developed a hive-mind sentience. Peaceful sleep will elude you as the experience has given you sleep paralysis. The dark figure standing in the corner of your room is Ronald McDonald himself.

Pisces

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will decide to enter the illustrious restaurant industry. Those trendy restaurants where they show you how to cook your food are pretty popular. But you’ll go farther back in the process. What customers really want is to catch their food. Why go on the paleo diet if you don’t get the full immersion?

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

You’ll have a crisis figuring out what tip percentage is customary if your waiter insists that you eat your dinner off their bare stomach, but also cries while doing so. Fifteen per cent? No, 21 per cent… before tax? After? What about no tip? The service was good, but not 25-per-cent good. You’ll quickly smash the buttons on the debit machine because you’re taking too much time and making it weird. Your bill will be an extra 150 per cent, but at least your waiter is happy.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

To promote your burgeoning career as a finger painter, you’ll host a beef cook-off in the park. Little will you know, the ketogenic diet is trending. Thousands will show up to indulge their carnivorous urges. And you’ll make enough to finally buy that set of new fingers you had your eye on. They’re a luxury item.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You’ll be speeding down the highway at 9:59 p.m. with no regard for safety. Subway closes at 10. You’ll rush through the doors to get your beloved extra tuna foot-long lathered in honey mustard with the crust cut off. The employee will look at you with weariness and inform you they’re closed. Then how come the door was open?

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You eye Burger King’s new all-you-can-eat crab. Burger King isn’t known for their fruits of the sea. You’ll reflect on what a tragedy it would be for such a cute crab, full of life, to reach its end at Burger King. After some intense deep-web research, you’ll attempt alchemy and… oh no. Whatever you brought back to life definitely isn’t crab.

Leo

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You’ll run out of glue while making a poster for a presentation. The only solution: Taco Bell. You’ll bring a garbage bag and just ask them to fill ‘er up with that “cheese” stuff. Mankind has never known a stickier substance. Your TA will be so utterly disgusted with the hardened smudges of taco cheese on your poster that they’ll give you a passing grade out of pity.

Virgo

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

All your friends work in the fast food industry and you’ll get all the perks. You’ll have access to the sweetest things, like half-off all California rolls before 5 p.m. at Sushi Boat. Pizza Hut will make chicken nugget-stuffed pizza crust only for you. KFC will let you choose between khaki- and tan-coloured fry batter. Now that’s what I call friends with benefits.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Everyone knows straws are bad for the environment. But what about all those plastic forks? You’ll start a campaign for every restaurant and store to only have wooden chopsticks. There’s nothing more elegant than pounding back a Big Mac with a pair of chopsticks. Chopsticks will even allow you to get more involved with your food. Now your poutine will be in your mouth and on your shoes. Hands are unsanitary. Forks are brutish. Chopsticks are the future.

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’ll be fed up with all these superhero movies. It’s the same old story, just with different actors. You don’t need Hollywood — you’ll become your own superhero. After eating a Fries Supreme, you’ll become endowed with uncontrollable rage. The irradiated cheese that landed on your pants and destroyed your dignity will fuel you. None will calm your temperament, because none will understand the Fry Supreme.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

While conducting thorough research on the food industry, you’ll discover the greatest trade secret. Many have sought but none have learned this incredible knowledge you’ll now possess. It was coveted by ancient civilizations and aliens. Apparently, Wendy’s beef is made from [redacted].

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’ll discover the “grocery store.” Your mind will be blown. You can actually buy raw ingredients unironically. You still can’t come to terms with the idea that people cook their own food.