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Illustration by Tricia Lim

Will you stay on your grind this summer?

By Frankie Hart, April 25 2019 —


(April 20 – May 20)

You’ll meet a mysterious stranger in one of your classes and have an instant connection. Summer days, drifting away to, uh, oh those summer nights.


(May 21 – June 20)

You’ll work as a counsellor for a summer camp and change your mind about having kids. You definitely don’t want them now.


(June 21 – July 22)t

On the third day of working at Stampede, you’ll pass out in the Cowboys tent from heat stroke and get trampled by a flock of people dancing to the Billy Ray Cyrus remix of “Old Town Road.” Now that’s what I call livin’ like a rock star.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You’ll become a ‘Dote Girl,’ whatever that means. I swear, kids these days are just making this shit up.


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Although the purpose of tutoring kids is for them to learn, you will come out of the experience knowing several plot arcs complete with intricate details from Paw Patrol.


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Out of boredom during a shift at 7-Eleven, you’ll decide to give this ‘Juul’ thing a try. Afterwards, your life will never know peace.


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You and your friends will get stressed working at a country club. But after performing an absolute slapper of a musical number featuring beating on pots and pans, you’ll all be fired. Hmm, that’s not how it went in High School Musical 2.


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

In a desperate attempt to graduate on time, you’ll force yourself to have a class schedule with nine-hour days. Woo.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’ll get into a fight at your movie theatre job and get pushed into the popcorn machine. Although you only got a few bruises, that buttery smell won’t come out until September.


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You’ll spend the summer working as a lifeguard, pretending every minute you’re not thinking about how much pee might be in the pool.


(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You’ll pick up so many shifts as a golf caddy that you’ll get absolutely ripped. Unfortunately, you’ll flip a golf cart trying to rip donuts, breaking your arm and leg. In the process of bed-bound recovery, you’ll lose all those sweet gains.


(March 21 – April 19)

You’ll hate your landscaping job so much that you stop caring about the environment and start littering on purpose.

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