A guide to surviving your classes that will definitely not make your professor hate you

By Aymen Sherwani, September 12 2022—

When transitioning from high school to university, most people struggle to make that adjustment. The good news is that you’re not alone in facing issues like imposter syndrome and social anxiety — everyone is valid for feeling this way. But not you — oh no. You need to be better. Follow these tips for how to rise above the rest of all the other first-year plebs and pass class with flying colours. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for extensions

Unionize with the rest of the students in the lecture and demand extensions for midterms and papers — if this is a social sciences class, your professor will respect your practical application of the consent of the governed. Just walk up to them after class as a group and tell them that none of you can submit on the due date while making aggressive eye contact with the person that spent probably over a decade pursuing their Ph.D. At this point, your professor’s resolve will crumble under the sheer power of your numbers and they will offer you a later date. If you’re feeling bold, make a counter offer — this university is a business and, by God, you will get your money’s worth. 

Contribute to intellectual conversations in class 

Be the “if I may play the Devil’s Advocate” person whenever anyone — including the professor — has something to say. They will appreciate you for correcting them. Better yet, when the lecture is nearing an end, make sure to pose a super philosophical question that almost always causes the lecture to bleed into the meagre 10 minutes needed for everyone else to scamper halfway across campus for their next class. Don’t bother waiting for the lecture to be over to individually talk to the professor — assert your giga-chad-levels of dominance over the rest of the class and let them know that, even though you’re a first-year, your doctorate from Wikipedia University is an absolute asset. 

Let the professor know how engaged you are 

Being a professor is really frustrating sometimes, especially when first-years don’t really care to sit through PowerPoint presentations for an hour — sitting at the front-middle section of the class is always a great way to indicate your dedication. Go above and beyond and sit directly eye-level to a professor and close enough so you can smell what they had for breakfast. Bonus points if you wear a really low-cut shirt and say “so true” periodically throughout the lecture to validate their anxiety about whether anyone is actually listening. Make like the mature student giving 200 per cent and laugh really hard while twirling your hair at an obscure joke because, at the end of the day, pick-me’s get degrees. If you don’t end up having a conversation about academic misconduct with your professor, you might end up charming your way onto the Dean’s List.  

For legal reasons, this is a joke.

This article is part of our humour section.