Four reasons why the campus seagulls are the bringers of the end times

By Calum Robertson, February 8 2018 —

Move over Mayans — the avian apocalypse is now. Don’t believe me? The signs of our last days on Earth are abundant. Haven’t you seen the increasing numbers of aggressive seagulls on campus? Those flying terrors circling over MacHall? The Pollock paintings in bird feces adorning the walk to Murray Fraser? Clearly, doomsday is descending on the wings of seagulls. Here’s why the swarms of seagulls on campus indicate the end times are nigh.

1. Their soulless orbs of vision:

Have you ever made the mistake of looking into a seagull’s eyes? Perhaps one rushed up to you and attempted to steal your lunch. Or maybe you made inadvertent eye contact with one as you scuttled through the cold, desperate for the warmth of Science A. Something lurks in those warped eyes: A shadowy abyss that absorbs all light. The darkness of space made darker by the lack of anything resembling hope or light. Wouldn’t a creature whose survival is tied to the continuation of our world as we know it reflect some of the inherent goodness of life? Just look into the eyes of a seagull and you’ll see the answer is a globally fatal ‘no.’

2. The seagulls have abandoned the oceans:

Our city is located in the middle of the Prairies, far from the nearest ocean. So why the sudden abundance of seagulls here? The ancient practice of augury predicts the future based on unusual flight patterns of birds. Any modern soothsayer need simply apply those teachings to these omens of seagull migration and our impending doom will be apparent.

3. Seagulls are just evil, man:

Seagulls are ruthless. Labelled as kleptoparasites, seagulls steal and scavenge the hard-earned food of other creatures, caring only for their own avaricious desires. War-waging is the way of the seagulls, practitioners of violence who delight in scaring the life out of unsuspecting children. Doves, symbols of peace and love, are the antithesis of all that is evil, wrong and hateful. A dove would never wish for harm to befall anyone. A seagull, on the other hand, lusts for harm and despair to strike all. Clearly, an animal so fuelled by hate and destruction must be a harbinger of the apocalypse.

4. They reflect the worst of human nature:

It is said that those we dislike are often very similar to us because we resent the aspects of ourselves reflected in them. Seagulls are the epitome of that theory. Greedy, prideful, violent, self-focused, false-tongued, spiteful and dedicated to pursuing base desires. These are the governing qualities of both seagulls and us. The atrocities you committed last Thursden inspired the next seagull attack on campus. The seagulls are ever-present reminders of what cursed activity you engaged in yesterday instead of working on your share of the group project.

The apocalypse is the end of all things. The undoing of Creation, the opposite of life and a reflection of society’s dark underbelly. It only makes sense that the bringers of such poetic doom would be embodiments of that duality — the opposite of what we consider ourselves to be, but in reality our own brokenness reflected back. The seagulls, evil and self-obsessed, are the universe’s response to our wilful ignorance of our own depravity. There is nothing we can do but await the day the seagulls bring about the inevitable destruction of all we hold dear. The end is nigh.