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Company releases must-have new thing

By Melanie Bethune, September 11 2014 —

The world is still reeling in excitement after a major company announced this week the release of a new thing that is just like the things you already own, only better.

“Today we’re announcing the biggest advancement in the history of things,” said the keynote speaker, a friendly looking man wearing jeans to convince the audience that he is, in fact, just like them.

The new features of the thing bear a striking resemblance to other things, only markedly better because it’s this company’s thing. The thing is roughly the size of competitors’ things and does everything the competitors’ things do. The new thing is also simultaneously bigger and smaller in all the right ways.

“With the release of this new thing, all things you previously owned will now be completely irrelevant,” said one analyst. “You don’t want to be that one person with the outdated thing.”

That one guy from Saturday Night Live and a former boyband member have publicly endorsed the new thing in a commercial featuring only their hands and voices but not their names. Also, that band with the guy always wearing sunglasses also endorsed the new thing by playing some song off of some album that the company is giving away for free somewhere.

“And one more thing,” said the speaker, per tradition with these events. “The wearable thing.”

Extra surprising things are often announced following the reveal of a new thing. While completely un-surprising, the wearable thing prompted an equally un-surprising uproar of enthusiasm.

“With the announcement of the wearable thing,” said the speaker, “nobody will ever be separate from their things. Of course, you have to have the new thing to use the wearable thing ­— that much is obvious.”

Both the new thing and the wearable thing are guaranteed to cost exponentially more than the average person is willing to spend on one thing, yet will inevitably be owned within a few weeks by that one guy who won’t shut up about what you’re missing out on.

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