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Botany professor finally loses it

By Susan Anderson, October 9 2014 —

Although everyone knew it was coming, botany professor Patrick Yang finally snapped on Friday, Oct. 3. He was teaching his class on comparative anatomy when he had what eyewitnesses say was “a complete conniption.”

“It was a normal lecture, a normal Friday. We were discussing moss. Now, I don’t mind learning about plants, but come on, moss is pretty dull,” said third-year biology student Jenny Liu. “Then a student in the back — you know, one of those screw-off boys who shouldn’t be in university — put up his hand and asked, ‘Why are we even learning about this? Plants are so boring, I can’t believe you dedicated your life to studying them.’ And professor Yang just lost it.”

Fourth-year ecology student Amanda Harrisson said she has never seen anyone so upset.

“He started screaming about appreciating nature’s greenery and throwing chalk. He rushed up the aisle towards the guy,” Harrison said. “He had him in a choke hold until other students pulled him off.”

Yang yelled things like, “just because something doesn’t move don’t mean it doesn’t matter” and “have you ever tried to photosynthesize? I have and I can’t do it. It’s special! Special!”

“How can you not like lichen!” Yang reportedly screamed. “Is it a plant or is it not? We just don’t know! That’s the magical part.”

Past students said Yang has always made remarks about “plants not getting any respect” and “everyone hating on my plants,” though no one ever paid him any attention.

Yang was reported to the biological science department where he’s currently receiving counselling. The faculty hasn’t decided on whether he will continue to teach the comparative anatomy class.

Administration has not released the provoking student’s name. He was treated in hospital for minor bruises and then released. No charges have been pressed as of yet.

When asked for comment, department head Mathilda Foussaum said, “Dr. Yang has been a valuable member of the department and we are sorry to hear of this incident. We will review the department procedures and consider taking moss out of the comparative anatomy class because moss is boring as fuck.”

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