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Puppy room revealed to be front for underground dog-fighting operation

By Melanie Bethune, December 4 2014 —

After weeks of investigation, campus security has issued an official report condemning former Students Union vice-president student life Ben Cannon for operating an underground dog-fighting ring under the guise of “Pet Therapy.”

“What many students and staff might have seen as a harmless de-stressing event is actually the front for underground gambling,” the report read.

According to the report, the puppy room, operating under the street name “POOCH PACK SMACKDOWN,” housed dogs for students to interact with during the day. However, at night it was converted into a melee style bloodsport venue.

“This isn’t the first operation of this scale that has been reported,” said head of campus security Byron Hornsby. “Last year, security at UBC found almost $500,000 worth of cocaine being transferred in the stomachs of their dogs. Putting dogs and university students together is an inherently shady operation.”

Hornsby questioned why administration and security didn’t attempt an investigation earlier.

“There were warning signs from the start. The SU advertised it as a puppy room yet brought in adult dogs, almost all of which were incredibly muscular pitbulls,” Hornsby said.

The operation was uncovered after a flyer advertising the upcoming end of semester “Stress-less Brawl in MacHall” was found improperly sorted into a MacHall food-court compost bin.

“Nothing says stress-less week like gambling your life’s savings away on the most brutal animal fight of the century,” the flyer said in blaring orange comic sans, with a low-resolution image of Cannon holding a chihuahua wearing boxing gloves in the background.

“This isn’t a poor man’s operation,” Cannon said. “It’s a lot of hard work, from connecting with vendors to organizing the actual betting system to coming up with signature merch.”

He then turned to show off his bedazzled jean jacket bearing the words “TOP DAWG” in rhinestones on the back.

It is estimated that Cannon has made upwards of $3 million since December of last year.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love animals and I don’t want to hurt them,” Cannon said. “But I also love cold hard cash. These puppies have been helping me make it rain all year. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I have no regrets, man.”

Current vice-president student life Jonah Ardiel claimed absolutely no involvement in the operation and said he had no idea what Cannon was doing with the dogs after hours.

“I love puppies and I love putting them in a room. That’s all,” he said, quietly sobbing into the tail of a golden retriever. “How could Ben do such a thing? Gosh, he seemed so swell.”

The dog obviously knew Ardiel was stressed and made no attempt to move away.

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