Very grown up horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, March 19 2015 —

 Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Start searching for a job. The process of continuous failure will be oddly cathartic.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Worry more. Sleep less.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

As long as people don’t make eye contact for too long, no one will be able to notice how the light of opportunity has faded from your eyes leaving behind a senseless black void.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Stop wondering if it was a date. Stop guessing whether the way her hand brushed yours or the way she smiled at you was good or not. Ask her out again, you piece of shit.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Invest in a slowcooker. You’ll impress all of your coworkers by elegantly describing the coconut infused curry cauliflower chili you have waiting for you at home.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Like any proper adult, you will start reading the morning paper and develop an affection for print media. You’ll love the smell of freshly printed pages and the smudges of ink left behind on your fingers. You’ll appreciate our sinking ship of an industry.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Start ironing your shirts. You’ll be able to slay your enemies with the pressed creases of your hemlines.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Give in to your cheap self. Buy $6 wine and pour it into a $25 bottle for when you have people over. You’ll have saved $19. That’s, like, three more bottles of wine!

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Do your taxes. If you don’t get them done, 15 angry geese will arrive at your doorstep and take away your beautiful child.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Toilet paper is buy one get one free at London Drugs this week. Only $10.99 for the plush kitten brand. Stock up. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You are actually just fucked. Get used to it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

It’s time to take the doge meme sticker off of your toaster. “Very toast, such burnt,” was never funny.