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Jean jacket empowers student to fight the Man

By Melanie Woods, April 9 2015 

Third-year international relations student Mandy Harrison recently purchased a jean jacket at Value Village for $4.99. The jacket was a Levi’s size medium with bronze stitching on the left breast pocket. When Harrison put it on after arriving home, she was immediately overtaken by an uncontrollable urge to rebel against the Man.

The denim jacket prompted Harrison, previously known to shop exclusively at J Crew, to kick random objects for no apparent reason while muttering about the fundamental flaws of capitalism.

“I bought it cause I felt like it,” she said, popping a large piece of bubble gum. “I’m a free independent spirit. I can do whatever the hell I want. Fuck the system.”

Harrison then stared straight ahead with a smug smirk while she poured out a full bottle of apple juice onto the pavement at her feet.

“What are you going to do about it? Huh?” she said. “Nothing. That’s right. Cause I’m a rebel. I’m a vagabond. I wear a jean jacket. I’m a revolutionary. Look at this patch I sewed on the elbow here. It says ‘punk rock is dead,’ because it is.”

Harrison now describes herself as “post-punk, post-pop, post-modern revolutionary-thrift.”

Carrie Schultz, Harrison’s best friend, said she was shocked by the sudden shift in her friend’s personality.

“Last week Mandy was a devoted member of Flowers for Forever Friends on campus,” Schultz said. “Where people are encouraged to grow and give flowers to their friends that they’ll have forever. But this week she set fire to a rosebush.”

Schultz said she didn’t realize the dangers that denim posed.

“I don’t know what happened,” Schultz said. “She said she was going to Value Village to find some new used books, and when she came back she’d pierced so many things and kept talking about fighting ‘the system.’ What even is ‘the system?’”

When asked specifically what she was rebelling against, Harrison said she was fighting “the fight that needs to be fought.”

“Fuck the Man,” Harrison said. “Fuck you. Fuck everybody. Fuck the system. Fuck capitalism. Fuck corporations. Fuck entitlement. Fuck the Queen. Fuck the government. ”

Harrison reportedly set fire to three cars in the university parking lot this morning.

A similar instance was reported last summer when physics graduate student Mark Burns won a brown cowboy hat at a concert during Stampede. In the weeks following, Burns reportedly developed a deep southern drawl, referenced things he’d learned “growing up on the farm” and began to greet women exclusively with “hey there pretty lady.”

Burns snapped out of it in a month.

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