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Bethesda Studios

The very educated games critic reviews Fallout 4

By Sean Willett, November 17 2015 —

Even if you don’t play a lot of video games, you’ve probably heard about Fallout 4. But as thousands of so-called “gamers” continue to rant and rave about how Bethesda Studios’ latest pablum is “fun,” one incredibly strong opinion has yet to be heard — mine.

The opinion is thus: Fallout 4 is actually bad.

Shocked? Angered? I don’t blame you. Simple minds are often incapable of appreciating my highly educated and mature brand of games criticism. I am able to formulate much more cerebral points than the corrupt so-called reviewers who rank everything on a seven to nine scale. Unlike them, I am learned enough to be truly objective, and will not be swayed by whiny special interest groups like women.

But onwards to my extraordinarily correct opinions. Fallout 4 is indeed bad and, despite its critical acclaim, may even be the worst game of all time.

The game’s greatest sin is a distinct lack of choice. Early on, you are presented with a baby in a crib in an attempt to make you feel an emotion. Fallout 4 doesn’t allow you to kill or maim the baby in any way, shattering whatever impact the moment might have had. Clearly, this inability to brutally murder an infant must be the work of the dreaded PC police and the SJWs. A truly mature and sophisticated game would allow you to immediately no-scope snipe the baby.

This brings me to my second major grievance. Despite being an “open world” game, you are initially prevented from exploring most of Fallout 4 for arbitrary reasons like “enemies” and “not having any weapons or equipment of any kind.” Instead of allowing you to instantly do whatever you want, the game expects you to do “quests” and “level up” to find better items.

This is bad game design, and a holdover from arcade games that just tried to steal your quarters by forcing you to “play the game.” A truly open world would give you every single item and ability from the start, and allow the player to kill as many babies as they desired. Instead Fallout 4 limits these options, ultimately limiting your fundamental freedoms.

My list of complaints goes on. Black and white moral choices, overt sexual violence against women, cynical and tasteless attempts at satire — all hallmarks of great games, and all missing from Fallout 4. Yet despite this, I am sure the unwashed masses will still gobble up this unsophisticated filth with smiles on their faces, while I alone bask in my own incredibly good and smart opinions.

Now excuse me, for I must go play a truly mature and thoughtful game, such as Grand Theft Auto 5, except modded so you play as the Zodiac Killer and all of the enemies are impoverished war orphans. Feel free to join me when you are ready to grow up.

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