‘Tis the season for the future

By Melanie Woods, December 1 2015 —

 

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Your significant other will purchase you a knock-off Minions bodypillow for the holidays. Your “goggle-wearing villain assistant” will keep you warm during the dark, cold nights.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

While indulging in a festive cup of rum and eggnog, you will find an actual egg at the bottom of the glass.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

A reindeer will shit on your  ECON 369 final paper.

 Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

Your secret Santa will  purchase you 50 identical blue ballpoint pens.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

While grocery shopping, you will notice that you can purchase eggnog-flavoured cream cheese. Has mankind gone too far?

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

You will attend a holiday craft fair and discover that all of their wares are made entirely out of human hair.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

You will watch the hit holiday film Elf 12 times this month and realize how empty your life is.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

Over Christmas dinner, your racist uncle will unleash all of his opinions on ISIS, the Trudeau government, Benghazi,
marriage equality and the Syrian refugee crisis.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will lose your keys in a snowbank. Three months later, you’ll find the raccoon that found them is now running an illegal drug cartel out of your trunk.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

A fat man in red will aproach you on the train with a sack full of “gifts.” He’s not Santa.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

In an attempt to find out if there’s a difference between candy cane Oreos® and mint Oreos®, you will eat 500 Oreos ®and immediately regret everything you’ve ever done.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will construct a snowman friend. Unfortunately, due to climate change, your only friend will melt into a sad puddle.