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Melanie Woods

University of Calgary offers class on successful sex in a failing economy

By Melanie Woods, January 28 2016 —

In response to Alberta’s crumbling economy, the University of Calgary will offer a new course on staying intimate with your partner despite desperate economic times.

The course, titled “ECON 411: Bear markets in the bedroom” will be taught by economics professor and self-proclaimed sex-haver Dick Jameson.

“Sex is hard enough when things are going well,” Jameson said. “Add in the uncertainty of whether or not you and your partner will have jobs the next morning and it gets real tough.”

Jameson said the course was conceived in response to other popular sex courses.

“We had a really positive reaction last semester to POLI 456: How to manage your sexual feelings for Justin Trudeau,” Jameson said. “Students loved the intimacy of discussing their personal sexual fantasies involving our new Prime Minister in a class of 60 people.”

ECON 411 includes an experiential learning component and oral exam.

“We’re bringing in custom sex dolls wearing slightly too large business suits with frowny faces and hands clutching unread resumes,” Jameson said. “It really sets the mood.”

Jameson said that while students may have absolutely zero reasonable job prospects in their respective fields, they can still look forward to a single night of pleasure before endless days of economic hardship.

“University is about preparing students for the world ahead,” Jameson said. “And when oil dips to prices cheaper than a BakeChef sub, a lone night of intimacy is more valuable than ever.”

The course will teach students how to compliment their partners even if their lives feel meaningless, emotionally remove themselves from the fiscal crises around them and generally think of happier times.

“We really try and focus the sex act on positive aspects of the economy to distract from the negative,” Jameson said. “Remember that time Ralph Klein just gave away the province’s money without acknowledging the potential for later fiscal repercussions? So many kids got new iPod shuffles that year.”

Third-year engineering student Kevin Freeman said he’s excited for the opportunity to take the course with his girlfriend. He hopes it will improve their sex life.

“Ever since I lost my internship at Suncor, I feel like my girlfriend’s just not that into me,” Freeman said. “Just like Alberta’s economy, my manhood is directly tied to the price of oil.”

Freeman also hopes the course will improve his girlfriend’s sex drive.

“Nothing gets your girl in the mood like reminding her of the instability of neoliberal capitalist systems,” Freeman said.

Freeman’s girlfriend, third-year biology student Kelsey White, disagreed.

“Maybe, like Alberta and financial stability, it’ll teach Kevin to fucking appreciate what he’s got before it’s too late,” White said.

Jameson hopes the course will show students how similar the economy is to sex.

“Wild fluctuations, lots of sweat, some guy named Jim fucking you over,” Jameson said. “Sounds like every sexual encounter I’ve ever had.”

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