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Courtesy Joe Gratz

Students’ Union and University of Calgary give ‘em the ol’ razzle-dazzle

By Derek Baker, May 10 2016 —

Operation of MacHall remains in the hands of the Students’ Union after a court hearing made as little progress as mediation. The SU sought an injunction to maintain control of the student centre for the duration of the ownership lawsuit.

Despite eventually being postponed, the injunction proceedings took place in a very lively fashion, with both the SU and administration trying to give the courts the ol’ razzle-dazzle.

“Look, we clearly have a good case, but that obviously hasn’t gotten us anywhere,” SU vice-president operations and finance Branden Cave said. “So we decided to spice it up a little.”

Entering on the back of an elephant, SU president Stephan Guscott gloriously led a crowd of rambunctious students into the courtroom. SU vice-president student life Patrick Ma then proceeded to pump up students with sunglasses and thundersticks to foster student engagement.

“We wanted to show the administration that we mean business,” Ma said. “There is a misconception that students are unprofessional, and therefore unsuitable to run the operations of MacHall.”

Ma led the crowd of impassioned students in a rousing thunderstick rendition of “We Will Rock You” until silenced by the judge’s gavel.

Guscott and Cave began their case by performing a daring trapeze act. The duo awed the crowd as they flipped across the courtroom.

“I can’t believe we elected these literal circus clowns as our student executives,” said Bob Beuller, a third-year student singled out by Guscott to partake in the audience participation portion of the SU’s case. Beuller was placed in a box and sawed into two pieces, 55 per cent and 45 per cent in proportion. Guscott cited this as further evidence to support the SU’s ownership claim.

Guscott and Cave also engaged in a lengthy mime routine detailing the entire history of the ownership dispute. The routine concluded with a profound tableau of the pair stuck in an invisible box.

“It’s a metaphor,” Guscott said. “The administration trapped us inside a box over the course of the negotiations and the lawsuit is our only way out.”

Not to be outdone, the U of C legal team was well prepared for their case. Noted for their impressive fire-breathing abilities, administration exhaled a heated inferno in an attempt to intimidate the SU into submission.

Administration thanked Enbridge for their generous donation of oil used for the trick.

The gallery held their breath as U of C president Elizabeth Cannon carried out a fearless tightrope act above the stands. Clad in a sequined leotard, Cannon dropped buckets of confetti made up of shredded 1969 ownership agreements over the gallery.

“The SU thinks they are the only ones hip enough to engage with hashtag myUCalgary students,” Cannon said. “We want to assure everyone that we too are oodles of fun, and that the experience that students experience will remain a positive experience with our control over MacHall.”

The court performances by both sides were so spectacular, another date will be scheduled.

“We got a great response from the audience. I really think we’ve tapped into something special,” Guscott said. “If we keep putting on shows like this, I think we can continue to have these court hearings for years to come.”

This article is part of our humour section.

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