Unemployed? Broke? We have classifieds!

By Derek Baker, May 31 2016 —

The summer job hunt for students has been dismal. In the current state of the economy, only a lucky few have been able to find positions related to their degree. If you are desperate, the Gauntlet has compiled a list of positions still for hire.

 

Student Lab Technician

Qualifications: Bachelor of Science student, preferably in one year higher than you are, with a CV that is at least 23-pages long.

Responsibilities: The lab tech will be responsible for washing 15-year-old Sharpie off glassware.

Wage and benefits: Our summer students are paid on a grant basis, details of which we have yet to receive. Maybe $1500.00 over the duration of the summer? Maybe a nice reference letter? Your guess is as good as ours.

 

Intern for Big Business® Inc.

Qualifications: Bachelor of Commerce student, preferably in third or fourth year with at least 20 years of sales experience. The candidate should have no sense of self and be familiar with the Starbucks menu.  Also, we know you’re not actually “proficient in Excel.”

Responsibilities: The intern will be required to ensure adequate
caffeination of all executives.

Wage and benefits: You will pay us $11.20 per hour. We feel that the resume experience gained from this position is adequate compensation for your work and worth your investment.

 

Communications Intern for Petroleum Professionals™ Ltd. 

Qualifications: Bachelor of Arts student majoring in communications. Candidate should possess the ability to remain emotionally detached. The ability to dodge projectiles — staplers, hole punches, shoes, scissors — is an asset.

Responsibilities: The candidate will inform employees that they have been laid off. Upon completion of the job, the candidate will then lay him or herself off.

Wage and benefits: $20.00 per person successfully laid off without damage to the office.

 

Distributer for Definitely-Not-A-Drug-Cartel Pharmaceuticals 

Qualifications: Bachelor of Health Sciences student. The ability to accurately shoot a gun out of a moving car is an asset.

Responsibilities: The candidate will be required to pick-up and drop-off packages of “medicine” to our clients.

Wage and benefits: Up to $500.00 per package transferred successfully.  Frequent corporate retreats to Mexico are included.

 

This article is part of our humour section.