Grab a few pints with your future

By Melanie Woods, September 20 2016 —

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

While you are enjoying a pint of the new Den Lager, your long-lost son Romero will appear behind you and gently tap you on the shoulder. “I’ve missed you,” he’ll say. “I’ve always missed you.”

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

A local craft brewery will introduce a new ale named after you. It’s bitter, salty and tinged with a sad, oaky mouthfeel.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will spend 10 years in a remote Irish village learning to pour the perfect pint. When you finally come home to show your mom your new skills, you’ll fuck it up completely.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

After travelling the world tasting every beer ever brewed, you’ll conclude without a doubt in your mind that that
Coors Light is your favourite.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

After the Den introduces a new triple-pitcher, you’ll consume three litres of beer in 10 minutes and emit a belch so loud, you’ll cause an earthquake off the coast of British Columbia. Thousands will perish.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Molson will release an exclusive Eyes High branded lager. Despite lofty expectations, tons of hype and an extensive branding campaign, it will still only rank sixth out of the best beers in Canada.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

You will enter a bar in suburban Calgary for an after-class pint to find former Prime Minister Stephen Harper and his band performing a cover of Billy Joel’s “Piano Man.”

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

After drinking an entire case of Molson Canadian that you hid from your parents, your mom will feed you to the slugs in her garden.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Unsure of exactly what hops are, you’ll take a tour of your local brewery to find out. You will be horrified to find the legless corpses of rabbits scattered around the brewery. “All of the hops,” the brewmaster will say softly.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

After trying a new beer that tastes exactly like grape soda, you’ll be disappointed to realize it actually is just grape soda.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

On a dare, you will shotgun a tallboy of Keystone Lager while waiting for the train. “Next train arriving, please stand behind the yellow line,” you’ll hear the announcer say. You will then projectile vomit across the yellow line.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will host a kegger at The Keg and get au jus all over their nicest pint glass. You will be  made to pay for the glass and take it home, where it will sit in your cabinet for the next 20 years until eventually being sold at a garage sale.