Student militia found protecting perfect seats in Science Theatres 140 lecture hall

By Jake Robinson, October 4 2016 —

Finding the perfect seat in a lecture theatre can be a difficult task. Once found, many students are quite reluctant to give it up. This was the case after first-year economic student Cody Cannel found what he described as “the most perfect cluster of seats in the entire universe” in Science Theatres 140.

“You don’t understand, they’re so good. You feel like you’re going to transcend into a metaphysical plane in these seats,” Cannel said, setting up a tent in the theatre. “I’m not going to give them up for anything.”

After Campus Security told Cannel he had to leave the seat because the building was closing for the night, he pulled what appeared to be a detonator from his pocket and demanded they stand down. Surveillance has confirmed the detonator was, in fact, a roll of Cherry Lifesavers and Cannel had eaten at least half of them.

Campus Security allegedly “had shit to do anyway,” giving Cannel’s armed reinforcements time to arrive. The militia said that 500 supporters — 200 more than can physically fit in the room — joined the resistance. At last headcount, only five or six individuals actually showed up.

According to Cannel, the occupation was simply “reclaiming what’s theirs.”

“We’re out here because the people have been abused long enough,” Cannel said, starting up a campfire in the section of the theatre where his militia intends to camp out for the night. “Almost every seat in here creaks, has three pounds of gum under the desk or is at a weird angle to the board that hurts my neck. Enough is enough. These are our seats now.”

In an earlier Vine, Cannel issued a call to action “to the individual, to the Dino,” urging them to “come to ST 140 and defend their God-given rights.”

“This is not a time to stand down, this is a time to sit down,” he said. Crappy desks have been a serious issue for a long time at the U of C. Many sympathizers of Cannel’s cause are rallying behind him.

“I’d totally be there, too,” Cannel’s brother Jacob said. “But I have a thing. Good luck.”

The movement is not without its detractors. Third-year business student Theresa Jackson spoke to reporters while vibrating gently.

“I have a lecture in there tomorrow and my caffeine pills will only last another few days, tops,” she said spilling a large Starbucks coffee down her shirt. “If we can’t get into the theatre, I won’t be able hand in my assignment. And I’ve worked too hard on this God-forsaken assignment for it not to be graded.”

Deputy chief of Campus Security Gertrude Guard said her team will get on it as soon as resources become available.

“Currently, we’re working on a variety of security concerns across the campus, but this is still on our list,” Guard said, looking at a lengthy ‘to-do’ list stuck on her corkboard. “How the hell are we supposed to catch bike thieves when they keep stealing our security bikes? And yeah, we’ll get to that, too.”

Administration advises students who have class in ST 140 to attend regardless. Initial fears about the militia’s fighting capability have been somewhat diminished since the commandos were seen shooting Nerf guns and launching foam balls from their weapons.

When pressed for comment, Cannel’s mother summed up the situation better than anyone.

“He’s still a very nice young boy. Is this going on the Googles?”

This article is part of our humour section.