Your future is desperate

By Jill Girgulis, February 7 2017 —

 

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Cupid will pay you a visit on Feb. 14, take one look at your current state of existence, shake his head and say “ehh, better not.”

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

In preparation for your anatomy midterm, you will spend all night on Feb. 14 studying heart specimens in an attempt to understand why your ex texted you out of the blue yesterday.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

You will consume the weight of a human heart in Hershey’s Kisses. After eating 250 grams of chocolate, you’ll find yourself in an uneasy state of bliss and nausea.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

You’ll earn a degree in plant biology just to conduct an Honours research project where you genetically modify flowers so they always have an odd number of petals. Now, you’ll always end on “he loves me!”

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

You will end things with your significant other via Snapchat, only to have a dramatic reunion three days later. You will capture all the drama on your story and become the biggest viral sensation of the year.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

Newly single this Valentine’s Day, you will try speed dating, only to discover the most streamlined version of courtship yet — arranged marriage.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will wear a shirt that advertises “free warm hugs” on Feb. 14. Tragically, no one will take you up on your offer — not even Olaf.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Given your previous experience writing incredibly accurate horoscopes for a certain unnamed publication, you will use your clairvoyant tendencies to predict the romantic futures of all your friends.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

A talent agency will discover and cast you in the latest Hallmark original movie, Love by the Textbook. You’ll be in too deep before you realize they only picked you to play the role of the spinster librarian.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Hoping for an unconventional Valentine’s Day, your sister will persuade you to decorate a Christmas tree, wear a Frankenstein mask to dinner and steal eggs from the grocery store. You will go to bed very confused that night.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will arrange a date night for you and your German shepherd, Finnegan. The evening will feature heart-shaped liver treats, a bow tie for Finnegan and smooth jazz.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You will give the donut you won from Roll-Up-The-Rim to your girlfriend as a last-minute gift for Valentine’s Day.  She will not be impressed by your generosity.