Your future involves you taking a winter vacation

By Derek Baker, December 4 2017 —

 

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

While on an Alaskan cruise, you’ll break into the ship’s cockpit and play “My Heart Will Go On” over the intercom. The crew won’t find this funny, promptly throwing you off the back of the boat. No penny whistle solo will play for you.

 

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You will be stuck in a plane on the tarmac for three hours due to a snowstorm. The airline you’re flying with will be shockingly generous, giving every passenger two-and-a-half packages of mini-pretzels for the inconvenience.

 

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You’ll get stuck on a tropical island this winter break because you missed your flight home from partying too hard the night before. Poor you.

 

Pisces

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

Living on a student budget, you will travel to the exotic city of Red Deer this winter break. The trip will not be relaxing, however, due to the idiots on the QE2 driving in the left-hand lane 20 km/h under the speed limit.

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

You will go to Banff this winter break and see a unicorn. You thought unicorns were so extinct, but unicorns live in Banff!

 

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Travelling home for Christmas, you’ll go a whole six hours with your family before erupting into a loud argument caused by you leaving a fork in the sink by accident. You’re tearing this family apart!

 

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

While waiting to pick up your parents from the airport after their vacation, you’ll entertain yourself by belting out your guilty pleasure song in the car. Much to your embarrassment, you will realize your car is not soundproof and you gave everyone in the lot a show to Britney Spears’s “Toxic.”

 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

After missing the last train in the German city of Bochum, you will be stuck at the main station until the next morning. Time and space seem to enter an alternate reality at an empty train station 3:00 a.m. You’ll somehow survive.

 

Leo

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

After pinching pennies for a beach vacation this winter break, you will come down with the worst case of travellers’ diarrhea. Well, shit.

 

Virgo

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Your bitter self will jealously watch all of your friends’ Instagram stories of their tropical vacation when it’s -30 C outside in Calgary. Turn off your phone before you chuck it across the room.

 

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will travel to Australia this winter break. Your worst nightmare will come true when you wake up with a huge spider on your face. The resulting scream from your lungs will be loud enough to wake up the entire population of Australia.

 

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will become “spiritually enlightened” after a trip to India this winter. Eat, pray, love girl. Eat, pray, love.