2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

Photo courtesy Robbie Sproule

Potholes around campus found to be portals straight to hell

By Alisha Ostberg, April 5 2018 —

In a surprising turn of events on the University of Calgary campus, the potholes near parking lots 10, 11 and 12 have been discovered to be actual portals to hell. In the time since they emerged earlier this month, students have reported frightening experiences with the potholes, citing strange smells, radiating heat and “calls for their souls.”

“I turned the corner and heard a really deep voice calling to me from a glowing pit in the ground outside the parking lot,” said third-year engineering student Molly Marrison, describing her encounter with an unknown being early Monday morning. “I was tempted to see what it was, but I had an 8 a.m. lab that I really couldn’t miss — not even for Satan.”

Many students, while intrigued by the new entrance to the underworld, are seemingly unfazed.

“Honestly, after the past few weeks I’ve had, I’m not surprised that hell is located directly under the university,” second-year biology student Mike Green said.

Potholes in Calgary are common nuisances as winter transitions to spring, but these ones in particular have reportedly led to “complications” within the university.

“There has been a spike in students making exchanges with the underworld,” said religious studies professor Isaac Dotorian. “Our reports show that students are trading their souls for better grades, excused student loan debt and even free BSD tickets.”

The Academic Misconduct board of the U of C has also warned students about making “deals with the Devil.”

“Students should note that under the Statement on Principles of Conduct in the University of Calgary Calendar, the university has the right to fail, suspend or even expel students who are proven to be committing academic misconduct,” read a university statement. “The K.5.1.b Definitions section has been updated to include ‘Exchanges with Demons, Satan and Otherworldly Beings’ as a punishable offence.”

Separate from the apparent dealings being made through these portals, an unexpected upside was discovered by graduate student Kevin McMichael.

“Hitting one of the potholes sent me into what seemed to be another dimension. It’s horrifying down there, with the screams of the damned and all the fire, but the parking is only $3 for the whole day!” McMichael said.

The U of C has yet to comment on what this could mean for parking rates on campus. While they have stated that parking rates are “competitive with other institutions,” there is speculation as to whether that includes the depths of hell.

While the consequences of hell portals on campus have yet to be fully realized, some students are willing to take the risk.

“I know it’s dangerous down there,” McMichael said. “But it’s worth the risk if I don’t have to dig my car out of the snow after a day at school.”


This article is part of our humour section.

Hiring | Staff | Advertising | Contact | PDF version | Archive | Volunteer | SU

The Gauntlet