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Recipes to make from the detritus left in your cabinets

By Frankie Hart, March 25 2019 —

As a university student, feeding yourself can be hard. The student life is filled with fast food, take-out, Kraft Dinner and instant noodles. That’s no way to get your nutrients. But what are you supposed to make from the assorted scraps that you have? Here are some ingenious recipes that make the most out of what little may be left in your kitchen:

Fettucine alfredo:

Everyone loves pasta, but what students have the resources to buy actual pasta and fancy cheese? To make the best alfredo without a trip to the grocery store, look no further than what you already have! If you find yourself in a pinch for pasta, simply pull apart some bread slices and reform them into long shapes that resemble fettucine noodles. Grab some butter, pepper and garlic salt. Garlic salt is preferred but can be replaced with the bath variety. If you don’t have heavy cream, you can simply boil milk until it reaches the desired level of thickness. Romano and Parmesan cheese are integral to this dish, but everyone knows Cheese Whiz is a highly versatile substitute.

Boil a large pot of lightly salted water. Add fettucine, cook until al dente and drain. In a pan, melt butter and add pepper, ‘salt’ and ‘cheese.’ Add pasta to sauce and ensure that pasta is thoroughly coated. Be sure to serve before any of the ingredients harden. Nobody needs to see that.

Fois gras:

Typically, fois gras is a dish made from the fattened liver of a duck. You likely do not have access to a duck, let alone one whose diet you can control for later consumption. But you know what you do have? A kitchen sponge. When prepared correctly, this cleaning object can be just as juicy, tender and delicious as Grade A fatty liver. All you need for preparation is salt, pepper, oil (preferably canola, motor if desperate) and vinegar (preferably balsamic, skunked wine if desperate). You can top the fois gras with a sauce of your choice. I suggest ketchup, or ranch if you want a little zing.

Season the sponge with salt and pepper to taste, heat one teaspoon of oil in a pan. Sauté the sponge until golden. Add two tablespoons of vinegar or vinegar substitution and boil. Serve plated with sauce. Enjoy. I know I will.

Cheese board:

You can make a cheese board that feels authentically rustic by building it from materials found in the kitchen. On a board, artfully spread a box of some saltines that expired in 2011. Take expired milk, heat and strain it until you achieve something that resembles a soft cheese. Perfect for parties or a light study snack!

“Tomato” soup:

In a pot over low heat, mix equal parts water and ketchup. Season with pepper to taste. Can be paired with toast, grilled cheese or slurped up all by itself.

Just slather whatever leftovers you have right now with peanut butter:

You’re such a good cook, you should open your own Thai fusion restaurant!

Just eat dirt, coward:

Dirt has all sorts of nutritious components, like calcium, magnesium, sodium, potassium and iron. What are you, some sort of fancy boy who’s above eating dirt?

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