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And so it all goes to shit

By Jason Herring and Frankie Hart, March 25 2019 —

The Gauntlet elected a new editor-in-chief on March 7, though ‘elected’ may be putting it kindly. Kristy Koehler received 100 per cent of the vote in the sham election, absolutely decimating her opponent, Young Sheldon from the hit CBS television program Young Sheldon, causing him to cry his wittle eyes out.

Koehler’s main platform point was that unlike her competitor, she was not prone to peeing her pants.

“That fucker may have originated ‘bazinga,’ but I refined it,” Koehler said. “And until my term as editor-in-chief is over, I have no intention to piss my pants.”

Koehler personally kicked off the celebrations with bottles of sumptuous wine that no one saw her bring in. She then launched into a vulgarity-filled rant that cannot be republished without violating innumerable obscenity laws. However, a staff-run Twitter account dedicated to her musings shared one drunken quote: “I want it on the record that I was born a Patriots fan and will die a Patriots fan.”

Staff and volunteers watched in stunned silence as Koehler detailed with perverse excitement how she would methodically drive the storied, nearly 60-year-old publication into the ground. Her first point of action: Pivoting the Gauntlet from a humble campus publication to a Michelin Star restaurant.

Outgoing EIC Jason Herring didn’t have much to say on Koehler or her platform, offering a slightly exasperated shrug during which his head shook slightly and his eyes narrowed.

Herring will be moving onto bigger and better things, such as absorbing all known knowledge of the conceivable universe to become the ultimate Jeopardy! champion. He claimed that his main aspiration in life is to “make Ken Jennings look like an idiot baby.”

When asked for his parting thoughts and if he was okay, he stared vacantly into the distance and whispered, “Only the dead have seen the end of war.”

This article is part of our humour section.

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