By Kristy Koehler, July 15 2019—
Stampede season is over and with it, one of July’s most time-honoured traditions — the political pancake breakfast. Provincial party leaders, municipal government officials, members of the legislative assembly and federal fast-talkers all proffer their best pancakes for your eating pleasure.
Do you like your breakfast foods with a side of propaganda? Does your mouth need to be absolutely crammed full of pancake-y goodness in order to stomach a rant about “standing up for the middle class” or, are you so broke from tax hikes that you’re willing to listen to Justin Trudeau’s forty-fifth “um” of the day in order to get some free food? Or maybe, you just enjoy seeing your local leader looking like an asshole, crammed into a cowboy hat and too-tight jeans and struggling to determine whether or not those sausages are cooked — newsflash Jason Kenney, your sausage was lukewarm.
Here’s a review of this year’s political pancake breakfasts:
The Conservative Party of Canada:
The pancakes were undercooked and really white — like, really white. Some of us wanted to leave and try out the Liberals’ breakfast. Andrew Scheer kept saying we shouldn’t go. He kept telling us what was wrong with Justin’s pancakes, but wouldn’t answer any questions about why his own were undercooked. Apparently, it was Justin’s pancakes that just weren’t ready.
The Green Party of Canada:
Only a few people ever come to this breakfast but they can’t seem to give up on it. The pancakes were weird. They were made from hemp hearts and buckwheat and were kinda crunchy.
The Liberal Party of Canada:
They looked good but they were salty. Really salty. Almost like tears — wait, did Justin make another apology while he was mixing the batter? They had beverages available too, in paper-like-drink-box-water-bottle-sort-of-things.
The Peoples Party of Canada:
The pancakes were really dry. Probably because they were made without dairy. Apparently, Maxime Bernier doesn’t like milk or something — says it’s expensive.
Alberta’s New Democratic Party:
They said their pancakes would be different than everyone else’s but I didn’t get any. No one did. All we did was stand around talking about how much better they were going to be, but we never got anything to eat, even though we paid. It was the only breakfast that wasn’t free. Apparently they took our money but gave the pancakes to people at the breakfast on the next block.
Alberta’s United Conservative Party:
They served beef pancakes. Alberta beef. The syrup they had available tasted weird — it was black, viscous and apparently brought down from Fort McMurray for the occasion. Doug Ford showed up to help celebrate — he tried to get everyone to buy beer from the back of his truck for a dollar a can.
The Alberta Party:
Stephen Mandel had to serve the pancakes himself. Apparently there wasn’t a service staff member in town who wanted to help him. He said they were all at home washing their Beemers and relaxing in their mansions that all their tips paid for — that wage rollback for servers he campaigned for couldn’t have had anything to do with no one showing up for the polls — I mean the pancakes — would it? Either way, when no one came to help, he gave up and went home.
The Alberta Independence Party:
The pancakes were wrapped in tin foil — after we ate, we folded it into hats.
This article is part of our humour section.