Board of Governors approve swarm of locusts to descend upon campus

By Frankie Hart, January 17 2019 —

The Board of Governors took a vote on Jan. 10 to dramatically increase the presence of locusts on campus, from zero to upwards of 100,000. Students are understandably concerned about this decision, and dozens protested outside of the Board of Governors’ meeting.

Protestors held up signs with slogans such as, “There is no rational reason to put locusts on campus,” “Students against grasshoppers,” and simply, “Why???”

“We’re really frustrated but mostly we’re just confused,” explained Francine Kafka, a protesting second-year student. “This so obviously and directly harms students — we’ve made that clear since the initial meetings on it were held.”

Despite the obvious outrage, provost Dru Marshall insists the decision was more complex than it seems.

“Our decision was carefully made and considered various student interests, including those of bug lovers,” explained Marshall. “You know the kid in elementary school that was obsessed with bugs? They never grow out of that. We made sure our decision was sensitive to the needs of ‘bug kid’ students.”

Response to protestors was dismissive, though Marshall insisted a variety of students were reached for input on the decision.

“Have you heard the phrase ‘Opinions are like assholes’? Everyone’s got one, but instead of taking any to heart we instead decided to incite a plague of locusts upon campus. Everyone’s a critic,” Marshall said with a shrug.

Geeta Sankappanavar, chair of the Board of Governors, insists that while the increase of at least 100,000 locusts will be a dramatic change, the University of Calgary is actually largely behind other Canadian universities in bug populations.

“At least it’s not Winnipeg, am I right?” joked Sankappanavar, who was met with silence.

This article is part of our humour section.