By Anton Charpentier, February 5 2020 —
You probably read the headline and immediately thought “What is tantric sex, and how do I get into it?” Tantric sex is not necessarily sex, but sex often occurs while performing tantra. Tantra is about the spiritual connection formed with a partner, which incorporates intimate sexual experiences. It’s like yoga, mixed with meditation mixed with spastic orgasms. Fortunately, the University of Calgary plans on throwing a workshop to teach the students everything they need to know about tantric sex. Speaking of sex, could you think of anyone else to help navigate the waters of tantric lovemaking other than our old friend Barney the Dinosaur? Since leaving the series Barney & Friends, actor David Joyner — who once played the titular character — has been involved in the world of tantric sexual healing, gifting his clients one hell of an orgasm at a time. I sat down with Joyner this week to ask him a few questions about his practice and what we can expect this Sex Week.
It was like any other interview. I sat on the couch inside the Gauntlet office, wearing my Barney the Dinosaur-themed pyjamas and holding my Starbucks Irish Cream Cold Brew waiting for Joyner. To my surprise, he arrived in a full 70-pound Barney the Dinosaur outfit. After several minutes of finessing the suit into our inadequately sized chairs, we finally got to talking. I asked Joyner what his plans were for this year’s Sex Week.
He replied, “Do not refer to me as David or Mr. Joyner. I am Barney and I want to unlock everyone’s bodies, activate their full potential, then massage them in a bath… and then blow their minds with my orgasmic talents.”
I was shocked, to say the least. All of a sudden, BJ, Barney’s co-star from Barney & Friends, ran into the office and started grinding on Barney. I was horrified but admittedly intrigued because of how graceful the grinding was. The two dinosaurs not only made love six-and-a-half-feet away from my face, but connected on a spiritual level. I had never seen anything like it and a tear ran down my face as I witnessed a soul-bonding that until then, I had not thought possible. Did I cry a tear of sadness or awe? The answer I do not rightfully know, but I managed to regain my senses and went on with my questions.
I asked Barney, “What exactly is tantra, and why did you get into it?”
Barney did not respond, instead, he flipped BJ over and began a cheek clapping that frankly looked incredibly painful, but BJ screamed for more. I assumed they did not hear me, but then I realized that Barney was no longer communicating through words, instead he talked to me through his body. It was at this point that I threw away my Irish Cream Cold Brew as I had lost most of my appetite because of the extreme odour that was being produced.
I continued my questions, asking, “How did you learn the art of tantric sex?”
Barney once again grabbed BJ by the hips and flipped him upside down, performing what is best described as a dinosaur sixty-nine. I was puzzled, but then I realized that Barney was suggesting an infinite cycle of knowledge, implying that he had always known how to bring people to a transcendental climax.
After several hours, BJ started to shake like a leaf in a hurricane. A climax like no other was almost upon him, and at that moment Barney whispered into his ear “I love you, you love me.” Then BJ exploded in a violent sexual ecstasy all over the room. It was so violent that I had to take a hot shower with my clothes on afterward. Additionally, most of the Gauntlet offices had to be closed for a few days in order to properly clean the walls and furniture. I’m not sure if Barney is actually properly trained in tantra, and it’s more than likely that he is using it as a means to have sex with strangers, but I can say that I certainly felt different after witnessing his talents. Whatever you may think, one thing is certain, Barney the Dinosaur fucks, and he fucks like a god.
According to his representatives, you can participate in the events anywhere on campus if you run into Barney. Additionally, the representatives wanted me to promote Barney, Baby Bop and BJ’s tantric marathon orgies which will be happening in the MacHall food court around noon every day this week.
I suppose it gives new meaning to the lyric “Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination and when he’s tall he’s what we call a dinosaur sensation.”
This article is part of our humour section.