By Blake Business, February 10 2020 —
In the age of the internet, it may feel like the question to all answers is just a Google search away. But what about more nuanced, intimate questions? Amidst Sex Week and Valentine’s Day, students who contemplate such questions are looking for a place to go, a knowledgeable and sensitive person to ask. We wondered, “Could such a person exist on campus who could help these poor souls? Who would be the most qualified, most experienced person to give such advice?” Then we went to Haskayne and asked if anyone knew someone who knew, like, a lot about love and sex. Second-year business student Blake approached us and is offering his widely-sought wisdom to readers.
Question: What do you do if you’re lonely and want to hook up with your ex?
Blake: The reason you’re lonely is because you have the time to be lonely. Me? I’m never lonely because I’m always on the move. From school, to work, to my side hustle, to my side-side hustle, I literally don’t have the time to waste on that. If you wanna hook up with someone, hook up with someone like a business student with no strings attached.
Q: How do I rid myself of a sex drive? It causes all of my problems.
B: I always say this — it’s all about scheduling. I personally give myself five minutes a day, for sex or something like that, and once those five minutes are over I have to move on. You can’t just get rid of a sex drive, but you can’t let it hold you back from greatness. Obviously we’re all human, but at the end of your life are you going to remember all the sex you had, or are you going to remember all the things you achieved by not letting it get in your way? The same thing goes with eating — don’t waste your time eating for too long unless you’re networking.
Q: What combination of emojis has the most sexual connotation?
B: This is really important, especially if you use the wrong emoji by mistake on your professional social media account. If you’re trying to keep it professional, I would probably avoid all fruit emojis, just to be safe. But if you’re trying to use sexual emojis on purpose, I would recommend this combination — 👉👌. Call me Adam Smith, ‘cause I like to get invisibly handsy.
Q: Will sex give me the dreaded coronavirus?
B: Well, obviously, if the person you’re having sex with has it. The more important question, if I may, is how badly will coronavirus “screw” the economy? I’m very worried about this, I already lost a bunch of money in stocks that were affected. My friends were right, I should’ve just stuck to Bitcoin.
Q: I got pipecleaner stuck up my dickhole. Please help me!
B: That sucks. I wish you the best on your grind.
This article is part of our humour section.