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Your online learning horoscopes are here!

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, September 23 2020 —


August 23 – September 22

You have three monitors set up: one for your Zoom lecture, one for your Minecraft game, one for your favourite show. Your focus will still be on your phone.


September 23 – October 22

Every single one of your classes are asynchronous this semester with reasonable deadlines and course load. You will still manage to leave it all until the last minute.


October 23 – November 21

You purposefully leave your camera on so everyone can see your clean room that you frantically cleaned in the wee hours of the morning to assert dominance. 


November 22 – December 21

During your Zoom lecture you see someone practicing cracking an egg with one hand. As more and more students are focusing their attention on a soon-to-be Master Chef, you all unmute to cheer them on. After the third carton of eggs, they manage to do it. Everyone claps.


December 22 – January 19

You try to privately message your crush through Zoom and shoot your shot but accidentally manage to message the TA. It’s not too late to drop the course.


January 20- February 19

You decide to use tarot cards to decide if you will join the Zoom lecture every morning. Somehow your deck only has The Fool and you keep deciding you’ll sleep in. The cards may have some truth.


February 19- March 20

You try to improve your mental health by adding plants to your room every time you feel stressed. By the end of the month you will be basically sleeping in a greenhouse.


March 21 – April 19

You decide to get a cat to keep you company during lectures. Your cat will demand attention constantly which you are helpless to — you can’t ignore your companion! Classes are now your second priority.


April 20 – May 20

The Excel course you took over the summer is paying off as you make the perfect schedule. You forget to colour code it so now your rhythm is thrown off.


May 21 – June 20

You decide to take lectures to your local coffee shop and live out your Coffee Shop AU. It doesn’t work out and you now have a coffee addiction.


June 21– July 22

You join a Discord group but it’s for a 200-level course and now you keep getting notifications from the 300+ people in it. You delete Discord and decide to take on the course yourself.


July 23 – August 22

Your Zoom class is interrupted by your dog and now you constantly receive messages to have your camera on with your dog there. Sorry, but there is a new star in your show.

This article is part of our humour section.

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