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The best anti-sex playlist you’ve ever heard

By Cherry Chastity and Adam Abstinence, February 16 2022—

The worst part of the COVID restrictions being preemptively lifted is that there’s no excuse to keep other people six feet away from you at all times. Fear not though, we have created the next best thing — an anti-sex playlist. You read that right. We are giving you the most bone-drying, mood-killing playlist so that you can keep it civil.

If you are worried about temptation interrupting your studies or your job — even just unwelcomely invading your brain space — then this is a playlist that is one hundred percent guaranteed to make you so uninterested in touching another person, you won’t even want to shake hands with that would-be partner as they flee from your room in terror and disgust. If you’re already paying for Spotify Premium, then consider this playlist our gift of free protection with a success rate so high, I’d gamble the firstborn child I will never have because it’s impossible to have sex to this playlist. 

“9 to 5” by Dolly Parton:

When this song comes on, the most appropriate thing to do is to remember how much you hate your job, even if you don’t have one, and think about all the times your boss has called you into work after six consecutive shifts. So get your mind out of the gutter and take your significant other to the nearest union meeting where you can discuss labour laws and paid time-off — together.

“Law and Order” Theme by Mike Post:

The only thing that should be banging to this song is a jail door slamming shut as justice is served. At best, the cacophony of sound will break up your train of thought and at worst will send you to horny jail. We are aware of the possibility this could play as part of a Netflix and Chill scenario and to that, we say who is more important than watching Sam Waterston make TV magic? 

“Frosty the Snowman” by Walter Rollins & Steve Nelson:

This one may seem like it’s out of left field and that is entirely the point. It is so confusing, so utterly bamboozling to hear this song not in the context of being eight years old in your basement watching Christmas movies that your body will freeze more than Frosty ever could.

In fact, mentally you might flash back to your elementary days and be horrified by the thought of your would-be partner giving you cooties. Note that this one is slightly less effective during the holiday season. If you’re not deterred by this song and are in fact still into it, then you have other issues. 

“Axel F” by Crazy Frog:

This song gives off “sixth-grade dance in a grimy gym with stale popcorn” vibes. This is a children’s song and if you have any lewd thoughts while this is playing, you’ve definitely got other issues. Let all those embarrassing moments of changing into your gym strip while everyone is hitting puberty and being uncomfortable in your own body.

Use those moments to remind you to keep it covered, and to remember the card you signed in your health class to remain abstinent until marriage, even though it might have been illegal to make a child sign that. 

“Skinny Love” by Birdy: 

This is a song exclusively for one of three scenarios — crying in the bathtub, in a McDonald’s parking lot exclusively after 8 p.m. or a mediocre piano cover from your middle school talent show in 2011. I don’t care how complicated your relationship is with your ex or how you say you’re a Cancer so you secretly get off on being sad, this is a song for miserable lonely people only. 

“Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley:

Now imagine you are trying to set the mood and start playing music. The first song is an excellent choice that leads you and your partner from the living room to the bedroom. And then just when you are about to start — BAM! You have just rickrolled your partner and ruined the moment for the both of you. The embarrassment of being rickrolled will make both of you rethink your choices and partake in other activities that are more wholesome, like a game of Uno or a round of Scrabble.

This article is part of our humour section.

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