How to grow your own strawberries

By Ava Zardynezhad, September 16 2022—

Have you always dreamt of being one of those people with a home garden? Have you always wanted to harvest your own produce so you can feel superior to everyone else? Well, follow this simple guide on how to grow your own strawberries and you too can bask in the glow of elitism that comes with having basic plant care skills. 

Step 1: Acquire a strawberry plant

You can get strawberry plants from most department stores, grocery stores and home and hardware stores around the city. You can also start your own plant from seed — this will score you more points overall since you would have unlocked “germination.” If you’ve already planted a strawberry plant in your garden, you won’t need another. You will soon learn that strawberries are the cockroaches of plants — not even a nuclear winter can kill them. 

Step 2: Water your plant 

Or don’t. Honestly strawberries are super low maintenance. You can forget about them for weeks in the dry, 35 degree sun of Calgary July and they’ll look just fine the next time it rains. But, if you’re actually hoping to get some fruit out of those bushes, I would recommend watering your plant a couple of times a week. 

Step 3: Make heart-eyes at the flowers 

So at some point on this journey, your plant is going to flower. Again, strawberries are strong, independent plants, they pollinate themselves. All you really need to do is look at the flowers, admire them, praise them, tell them they look pretty today and then get out of the way. 

Step 4: See your first strawberry 

After a few failed trials, you’re gonna get your first strawberry. It’s gonna look sickly and pale — kinda like Benjamin Button — but that’s how you want them. You’re going to check up on your strawberry like she’s your baby, your only child. You will make sure it’s getting enough light and enough shade to ripen and grow. If you play your cards right, your strawberry will eventually turn colour. 

Step 5: Watch a magpie eat your strawberry 

You’re going to count the days until harvest. Your strawberry is pink but not quite ripe yet. You’re going to be patient. But, when harvest day arrives, you’re going to find that the neighbourhood magpies beat you to it. There’s a huge gash in your strawberry. If you have more strawberries, no you don’t. Because magpies don’t just eat one full strawberry and call it a day. They take a bite out of every red one they see. Just like that, the summer is over and you have waited three months for strawberries only to end up eating none of them. 

Step 6: Find a rabbit munching on your plant 

This is the last step of a strawberry plant’s life cycle. Once the fruit gets eaten by inconsiderate birds, other critters are going to come for the leaves and the stems. One day you have a strawberry bush that’s covering half of your garden bed, the next day it’s just a little stump left in the ground. But don’t worry. Cause somehow, your plant is going to rise from the ashes next summer — and so the cycle continues.

This article is part of our humour section.