By Josie Simon, June 29 2023—
Summer courses can be the ultimate test of survival for students. With the sun shining bright and the lure of the outdoors calling your name, staying focused on schoolwork can be downright impossible. But, fear not, because we have compiled a list of terrible and useless survival tips that will make your summer semester a disaster. So, grab an iced coffee and prepare to fail as we dive into the ultimate survival guide (or anti-survival guide) for summer courses.
Tip #1: Give up
Yes, you read that right. The best way to survive a summer course is to give up before it even starts. Why bother trying when you could be poolside sipping a margarita instead? Just submit a blank paper for your final assignment and call it a day. You’ll thank me later.
Tip #2: Assert dominance and rule the classroom
If giving up isn’t your thing, you could always assert dominance over your classmates. Show up to class wearing a crown and demand that your professor address you as “Your Majesty.” It is a power move that will undoubtedly earn you respect and admiration.
Tip #3: Become a mime
Want to make sure your professor doesn’t call on you during class? Become a mime! Speak only in gestures and facial expressions. It’s a surefire way to stay under the radar and lose your sanity.
Tip #4: Bribe your professor
Let’s face it: money talks. Bribe your professor with a fancy coffee from Starbucks or a couple of bucks and watch your grades soar. Just be sure to do it discreetly to avoid violating academic integrity.
Tip #5: Withdraw
If all else fails, you could always withdraw from the course. Yes, you will lose your tuition money but think of all the time you’ll have to watch TikTok and nap. Priorities, people.
Tip #6: Take a toilet timeout and embrace adventure
Who needs boring lectures when you can roam around campus and discover new places while conveniently avoiding class? Plus, your professor won’t even know you’re gone!
Tip #7: Deep clean your room before your final exam
Who needs a spotless room? YOU do if you want to ace that final exam! So break out the cleaning supplies and get scrubbing — your grades will thank you.
Tip #8: Buy some pre-workout from the weird guy in the library
Are you feeling drained and unable to focus during your summer course? Take a chance and buy some pre-workout from the shady guy at the corner table in the library. You will be able to study for hours without even blinking. (Serious note: please do not do this.)
Tip #9: Join a cult
If you struggle to keep up with your readings, join a cult. The shared values and sense of community will help you forget about your daunting course load and instead focus on the wonders of a unified belief system. Who needs good grades when you have a cult?
In all seriousness, summer courses can be challenging, but keep pushing through. And hey, if all else fails, you can at least say you tried (even if it was just to become a mime.) Good luck!
This article is part of our humour section.