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University extends summer break into the end of September to allow for mental health recovery after a tough school year

By Josie Simon, August 9 2023—

In breaking news, the University of Calgary has extended its summer break well into the end of September, sparking both relief and concern among students and faculty members. The U of C claims the extension will give students time to recover after a formidable school year. However, one individual stands out amidst the mixed reactions: Bill, an old hair follicle from Stephen Harper found in the economics department in 1991.  

According to Bill, the U of C is using the prolonged break to suppress the ongoing geese protests in MacHall, preventing students from witnessing the activism. This accusation has increased scrutiny of the U of C’s handling of the geese population and its commitment to free speech and peaceful dissent on campus. 

Bill claims that the campus geese population has formed a coalition to replace Edward McCauley, president and vice-chancellor of the university, due to high tuition fees.  

“The geese are fed up,” Bill stated. “They’ve been holding secret meetings, planning and organizing themselves for weeks now. They are tired of the administration ignoring and mistreating students and want to take matters into their own wings.”   

The plot thickened as Rex, the university’s mascot, appeared tense and rehearsed during a recent interview about the conflict. Some students have even speculated that the administration is holding Rex captive to prevent him from revealing the true purpose of the extended summer break.   

In response to these accusations, the U of C has released a statement denying mistreatment of the student body and the campus geese population.  

“The extended summer break is intended to promote mental wellness amongst students. The health of our community is our top priority,” the statement read.   

A student-led protest supporting the geese coalition will occur in Mac Hall next Tuesday at 5:30 p.m. — organized by the Geese Allies for Animal Welfare (GAAW) club. The protest intends to demand greater accountability from the university for its high tuition fees and the immediate adoption of humane practices toward geese on campus.   

The conflict between the geese coalition and the university raises questions about power dynamics, dissent, and communication in higher education institutions. Are universities truly democratic institutions that listen to the voices of all stakeholders, or are they corporations prioritizing profit and manageability over engagement and compassion? Is it appropriate to use Rex as a mouthpiece for administrative agendas or does that compromise Rex’s authenticity and autonomy?  

It is only a matter of time before Bill becomes the leader of the geese coalition, inspiring a new era of inter-species cooperation and understanding on campus. Until then, the geese will continue to honk their demands and the students will continue to fight for their rights, all while Rex nervously watches from the sidelines. One thing is for sure, this extended summer break has sparked a revolution that nobody saw coming.

This article is part of our humour section.

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