By Andrew Kemle, October 16 2014 —
The universe’s department for apocalypse policy and management revealed this week that the planned Ebola apocalypse has been delayed due to bureaucratic paperwork.
“Right now we’re simply swamped with claims and proposals for end-of-times scenarios, and we can’t afford to pay attention to the Ebola policy,” stated a department spokesperson. “We’re still trying to process an appeal from the 2012 cataclysm. There just isn’t enough staff and far too much work to respond.”
Staffing in the department is at an all-time low due to budget cuts in the universe’s bureaucratic structure. Several departments have recently been amalgamated to make room for the influx of global paranoia.
“If we could afford to make every possible end-of-the-world scenario happen we would,” he said. “But that simply just isn’t possible right now. People are thinking that everything is the end of the world. Ebola is just going to have to wait its turn.”
The spokesperson noted that due to the low risk of infection in most parts of the world, the proposal will naturally be given a lower priority compared to more prevalent threats. This is especially true if events pose a significant risk to rich Western countries.
“The only way to contract Ebola is through direct contact with an infected person’s bodily fluids or with infected bat guano. Our focus at the moment is on far more likely doomsday events such as an asteroid collision or a libertarian candidate being elected,” he said.
The apocalypse is further delayed due to both H1N1 and H5N1 filing complaints against the hemorrhagic disease stating that its numbers are being artificially inflated due to a delayed vaccine.
“NewLink Genetics insistence on retaining intellectual property rights on the vaccine are obviously costing hundreds, if not thousands of people their lives,” an anthropomorphic manifestation of the swine-flu strand said. “We aim to bring this to the department’s attention in order to ensure that all apocalypses are given a fair shot at wiping out human life.”
The department stated that citizens can do their part to expedite the apocalypse by continually refusing to provide international aid to stricken countries in order to ensure containment fails. Travelling to affected areas and not obeying mandatory quarantines should also ensure optimal transferal. In doing so, the path towards a grisly death should be back on schedule within a few weeks.
“Just like any other government process, the people can help speed this along,” the spokesman said. “With your help, we can change the world for the worse. It is only through a combination of hard work and apathy that the apocalypse can come.”