Horoscopes: September 3

By Melanie Woods, September 3 2015 —

Virgo
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
While dancing to Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass” at Thursden, an unknown stranger will slap you in the face with a large bass fish before retreating into the darkness. You will hunt for him until the day you die.

Libra
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You will wake up to find yourself transported to an alternate universe populated entirely by anthropomorphic squirrels in red party hats.

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Your favourite dead character on Game of Thrones will be resurrected with the personality of Joffrey Baratheon.

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You will finally win a game of Settlers of Catan after four months of painful losses. And it won’t be just any victory. It’ll be a skin-of-your-teeth, one final trade of two sheep for a wheat, flip over three victory-points kind of victory. Everything in your life is validated now.

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You will encounter a friendly group of elderly tourists from Alabama while hiking in the mountains. They will adopt you as one of their own and take you to their ranch. You will never see your family again.

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Your recent purchase of a four-foot-long semi-automatic Nerf® gun with foam grenade launcher will prove lucrative in the upcoming Nerf® wars. The people will fear you.

Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
At a first-year residence party, you will win a dozen games of beer pong and earn the admiration of the dude-bros. They will parade you through the streets chanting of your pong-mastery. You are the Pong-Lord now. All hail the Pong-Lord.

Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
You will run into a high school classmate in the grocery store, only to find that they are now a lizard-person. You will try to engage in small-talk about politics and the weather, but their lizard-person mouth will be unable to make human sounds.

Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)
You will discover a family of wasps living in your kitchen cabinets. You will allow them to live so they may provide you with company. You will come to love your beautiful wasp family and all they contribute to your life.

Gemini
(May 21 – June 20)
While volunteering at a campus resource fair for incoming students, you will be publicly shamed when you tell a first-year student  “move on your way.” His face will haunt your dreams until your early death.

Cancer
(June 21 – July 22)
You will become emotionally invested in an online video game simulating diplomatic relations in the pre-WWI era to the point that all of your personal relationships crumble. Capturing Venice is more important than any friendship, you tell yourself alone at night, illuminated only by the dim glow of your laptop screen as you plot to stab Germany in the back.

Leo
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
At a local karaoke bar you and your friends will engage in a raucous communal rendition of an obscure Korean children’s sporting song. The next morning you will try to look it up on the Internet, only to discover it doesn’t exist.