We take the future very seriously

By Jason Herring, September 10 2015 —

Virgo
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You will get unreasonably angry when your favourite Vietnamese sub restaurant raises their prices by 50 cents.

Libra
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You will get trapped in the basement of the Engineering  building while trying to find your LING 201 classroom. The only other person there will be a small child named Norton who eats nothing but sauerkraut. He will claim that one day you may leave, but you will know there is no escaping this Kafkaesque hell.

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
After shamefully eating six pears in one sitting, you will come to the realization that there is no fruit more satisfying and delicious than a soft and supple Bartlett pear. This will be the best day of your life.

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
A tall, bright stranger will approach you under the blinding incandescent lights of Thursden. You will dance with him on the clean, freshly renovated dance floor while being able to clearly see everyone around you. You will drink a reasonable amount, make your way home before midnight and enjoy a peaceful sleep.

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You will raise your hand in the middle of your PSYC 203 lecture to make a remark about how the theory of self-efficicy reminds you of a Socially Awesome Penguin meme you saw last night. Your professor will pull you aside after class to let you know that she’s not mad at you, just disappointed.

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You will listen to Minions ASMR roleplay and get extraordinarily horny.

Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
After reading a concise and well-written article in the Gauntlet, you’ll think about what you’re doing the next time you walk up a flight of stairs.

Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
After months of mispronouncing Guy Fieri’s name, he will show up at your house in the middle of the night. “It’s Guy Fieri, from Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” he will whisper into your ear as he softly strokes your hair.

Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)
You will break up with your significant other after spending an hour trying to convince them that a hot dog is nothing more than a folded-up pizza. You will find comfort in the knowledge that you are right.

Gemini
(May 21 – June 20)
Your friends will ridicule you after they discover that you did not know cows could be brown. Where did you think chocolate milk came from, dipshit?

Cancer
(June 21 – July 22)
You will play an online game where you are an anthropomorphic horse that throws pies to destroy bureaucratic robots, withdrawing from three classes to make time to play it. Your friends will worry about you, but they just won’t understand.

Leo
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your dick will get cut off by a hay baler and then you will die.