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#PSH: Pumpkin Spice horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, September 29, 2015 —

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
When you order your favourite Pumpkin Spice Latte, you will accidentally order a Spicy Pumpkin Latte, the spiciest and vilest of all the lattes. It will burn you from the inside out.

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You will arrive home to find that your entire family is now inexplicably Pumpkin Spice Flavoured. Your Pumpkin Spice mom and Pumpkin Spice dad will claim they still love you, but you will never truly fit in.

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
The National Post will soon discover that Stephen Harper’s personal stylist keeps his meticulously sculpted hair helmet in place with a Pumpkin Spice Latte infusion. His likability ratings will skyrocket.

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
The next time you order a delicious Pumpkin Spice muffin, you will bite into it and discover Harrison Ford’s secret to eternal youth.

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Upon ordering your very first Pumpkin Spice Latte, you will realize you are deathly allergic to Pumpkin Spice and die immediately.

(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You will discover that the popular #PSL hashtag used to refer to Pumpkin Spice Lattes is also used by the People for Strong Leeks, a farmer’s society devoted to prosperous leek crops. All of those people you thought were obsessed with autumn drinks on Instagram are actually committed leek farmers.

(March 21 – April 19)
You will encounter a tall, creamy stranger while walking home one night. It’s a delicious Pumpkin Spice Latte that someone just left on the road! Why would someone abandon such a tasty, tasty beverage? It’s dark and scary outside — no place for a latte on its own.

(April 20 – May 20)
The long-lost Spice Girl, Pumpkin Spice, will come to your doorstep and offer you three wishes.

(May 21 – June 20)
While making your Pumpkin Spice Latte, the barista will tragically burn off one of their hands and become the famous one-handed barista.

(June 21 – July 22)
When you make an off-hand joke about why pumpkin pie isn’t called Pumpkin Spice pie, the secret Pumpkin Police will arrest you for your horrible crimes. How could you do this?

(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Due to the popularity of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, pumpkins will go extinct. Unfortunately, pumpkins are an indicator species and mass ecological devastation will follow.

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Your Pumpkin Spice Latte will accidentally be made with butternut squash puree. Surprisingly, it will still have a supple and full flavour palette.

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