Five pets to help you cope with the crippling loneliness of university

By Jill Girgulis, October 6 2015 –

As a university student, you probably struggle to take care of yourself. However, that doesn’t mean your incompetence should be limited to just one creature. If you’re looking to add love back into your life, the Gauntlet has compiled a list of five pets perfectly suited for students.

Catfish: This low-maintenance pet is a bottom feeder — how convenient, since it just sustains itself on your soul. This little guy is considered negatively buoyant, which is also applicable to your GPA. If you end up too poor to buy groceries, it can also pair with some oven-roasted veggies to make a delicious meal.

Sloth: They say pets are just like their owners, right? So adopt a sloth. A sloth won’t judge you for sleeping through your 12:00 p.m. lecture. A sloth is cool with you hogging a computer in the TFDL for 11 straight hours. A sloth just gets you.

Leech: A distant relative of that kid in your BIOL 241 class who never shows up except to borrow your notes, caring for a leech is very simple. Give it everything you have and then repeat until you are but an empty shell.

Your roommate: You’ve noticed a recent decline in their hygiene, but it never really bothered you before. As midterms approach, your roommate might be getting a little too feral for your liking. Pretty soon you’ll come home after an evening organic chemistry lab to find them scratching at the bathroom door until you open it for them. At this point you should probably consider surrendering them to a shelter.

Ocelot: Everyone wants an ocelot, also known as a dwarf leopard. Imagine rolling into the Den on a Thursday with your own personal ocelot at the end of a bedazzled leash. The bartender will be so impressed by your feline companion they will give you free drinks all night. Sounds oce-some, right?