Eight campus icons and their 2016 resolutions

By Melanie Woods, January 12 2015 —

After an eventful 2015 on campus, we’re all keen to see what 2016 brings. A new year often means a chance for people to make resolutions about things they want to change in their lives, from eating better to reading more. The University of Calgary community is no different. With their eyes lifted high to the future, various campus groups and figures have issued their 2016 resolutions.

Elizabeth Cannon: U of C president Elizabeth Cannon resolves to stop engaging in questionable dealings with powerful oil companies. Seriously. No matter how much money they offer her.

The Students’ Union: The U of C SU promises to sue everyone in sight, including Calgary transit, university administration and even themselves in a convoluted legal ouroboros that results in SU president Levi Nilson facing himself in court and somehow still accidentally handing MacHall over to university administration.

Your server at the Den: Your server resolves to take as long as possible to bring you your meal, even if that means butchering the cow for your burger and pureeing the tomatoes for ketchup by hand. They’ll still get your order wrong.

The GIG club: The U of C GIG club resolves to compose an acoustic cover of Drake’s “Hotline Bling” and play it repeatedly on the quiet floors of the TFDL during midterm season.

Your professor: To further improve their teaching strategies this semester, your macroeconomics professor resolves to become more like the noble giant squid — elusive, mysterious, terrifying and possessing an incredibly sharp and powerful beak that can crush a man’s skull in a single crunch.

The third-floor TFDL gamer: The person constantly playing video games on the third floor of TFDL resolves to earn at least three new decks in Hearthstone a day and not attend a single microbiology lecture.

Your group project partner: This special member of our campus community resolves to show up to the first class, then disappear to a remote island in the South Pacific for the remainder of the semester.

The residence weed dealer: With legalization imminent, the residence weed dealer resolves to do everything he can to protect his business. The putrid haze emanating from the Kananaskis Hall basement window is his first experimental batch of Rockstar®-flavoured marijuana.