Five new year’s resolutions we know you won’t keep

By Derek Baker, January 19 2016 —

I will eat better: Apparently, french-fries smothered in gravy and cheese aren’t considered “healthy.” This year, instead of indulging in fat-loaded meals from MacHall, consider waking up a little bit earlier to pack a lunch. Sure, you might lose precious minutes of sleep, but a ZipLock® bag filled with carrots is the perfect thing to munch on during lecture and interrupt the concentration of literally everyone around you.

I will go to bed earlier: Gone are the days of staying up until the wee hours of the morning watching the next episode of House of Cards. To ensure the first feeling you have when you wake up in the morning is something other than regret, aim to have a more nourishing sleep. Try to commit to going to bed before the sun starts to rise — unless the next five episodes look really, really good. That 20-page paper can wait one more day.

I will drink less coffee: The path to your first lecture is paved with a variety of caffeination establishments. Fueled by willpower and an empty bank account, Starbucks and the Coffee Company are no match for you. However, you will ultimately succumb to the third Tim Hortons, giving the cashier a toonie with shaking hands to get your next fix. You will think of how much you disgust yourself as you sip that sweet, sweet cup of joe.

I will lift my eyes ever so high: Last year, you settled for mediocrity. With the 50th anniversary of the U of C, we are no longer ranked first in the top 50 under 50. Therefore, our eyes must be lifted higher than ever. The only way to tell if your eyes are at an acceptable level of highness is if your retinas are burning from staring unblinking into the hot, searing face of the sun. Lizzie is counting on us to repair her reputation, and we can’t let her down.

I will do my readings: Last semester, textbooks were purchased but never opened. This semester will be different. After adding up all of the various readings outlined in your five different syllabi, you figure that you only need to read about 350 pages a day to keep up. Who needs a social life anyways? Human interaction is incredibly overrated. Besides, now you can contribute to class discussion instead of studiously avoiding eye contact.