A review of bread sandwiches — the staple of every law abiding citizen’s life

By Ronn Miguel Delos Reyes, November 15 2016 —

Sandwiches are the foundation of the food pyramid. By grabbing literally any food item and squeezing it between two slices of bread, you can make yourself this staple meal. You have your are ham sandwiches, tuna sandwiches, peanut butter sandwiches, jelly sandwiches and even peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But many overlook the pinnacle of all sandwiches. I would like to introduce to you the wonders of the bread sandwich.

I know you may think: “Bread sandwiches? Isn’t that kind of stupid and pointless?” Well, it’s not stupid and pointless. It’s just stupid. Which means it has a point — a really crusty point. By simply toasting a slice of bread and putting it between two other slices of bread, you have a delicious and cheap meal.

You can also get creative by taking the crusts off of the outer slices and frying them up as a scrumptious onion substitute.

Or don’t. Crusts are absolutely disgusting.

“It could be more wonderful if you actually bought real ingredients for a sandwich,” you might say, to which I would reply with a soft laugh. I did buy ingredients — but chose not to use them. You want proof? That’s so typical of you. Only wanting the facts. Look, I have the receipt from the store.

“I only see sliced bread on there,” you’ll observe and feign ignorance to the evidence in front of you. I am a normal Canadian citizen and can do as I please without your approval. I pay my taxes, hold doors open for people that are way too far behind me and try not to make eye contact with people on transit for too long.

This was just supposed to be a normal review for bread sandwiches. Yet you insisted on aggravating me. I’m a law abiding citizen. Wait a minute. You called the police on me? Don’t you try and deny it, I can hear them pounding down on my door right now. I trusted you. I should never have trusted scum like you. Oh, I know what your plan is. You don’t want me to eat a bread sandwich? I’ve got news for you, buddy — I’m going to do it anyway, whether you like it or not.

Grabbing three pieces of bread from a bag, I begin to put together my culinary masterpiece. The bread has been in my pantry for an unknown amount of time, but that’s no excuse to waste food.

“That looks mouldy, Ronn.” Well, it may be just a little green and I swear that there’s something moving in there, but it’s not mouldy. I stare at the sandwich. It stares back — literally. Classic social conventions are begging me not to eat this. This is when most people back down, when the constant torments from you and everyone else have successfully battered down on the individual. But we live in a free country and I refuse to let these forces dictate my actions. I take a bite and let the abyss wrap its cold arms around me.

It tastes awful.

This article is part of our humour section.