Five ways to convince the bros you’re a real American football fan

By Tommy Osborne, January 31 2017 —

With the Super Bowl rapidly approaching on Feb. 5, it will probably be the only thing you’ll hear about in the sports world this week. If you’re someone that doesn’t care about football — but was invited to a Super Bowl party — this list will help you pretend you actually do care so you can fit in and not embarrass yourself.

Be passionate:

It is of vital importance that you express how much you love football. Since football players are both passionate and aggressive, you’ll want to be aggressively passionate. Yell at the television so much that no one can actually hear the game. Flip tables, punch walls, throw the remote at someone, smash stuff — do whatever it takes to convince everyone that football is your life. You need to ooze machismo if you are ever to be accepted by the football bros. Go sprotz!

Complain about the officials:

Complaining about the referee is what real football fans do. With the addition of the instant replay, it’s totally obvious that the officials missed that wide-open call. Also, remember that you, a die-hard fan, obviously know way more about the football rulebook than some stupid zebra-shirt man on the field. If you’re able to complain passionately, that’s a huge boost to convincing your friends that you are indeed a huge fan of the football. Just hope that no one asks you what offside means — we still don’t know.

Don’t cheer for the New England Patriots:

Just don’t.

Say smart-sounding football facts:

All you need to do is say obvious facts, but make them wordy enough that it sounds like what you said is the most important football fact ever uttered. “In order for the Falcons to win the game, they not only have to be better than the Patriots, but they also must score more points than them,” you’ll say. Your peers will be blown away by your extensive analysis of football. Other phrases like, “he sure footed the ball right there,” also work.

Be enthusiastic for the commercials:

This one should be easy for anyone, since the commercials are usually pretty awesome. Since we’re in Canada, we usually don’t get the best ones, but that’s okay. Part of any Super Bowl party is talking about how funny the commercials are. Throw it back to some old Budweiser commercials to make it sound like you’ve watched plenty of Super Bowls. If you haven’t seen them, just mention dogs and horses. That’ll work.

This article is part of our humour section.