The eight types of professors you can expect to survive the impending apocalypse

By Drew Thomas, March 14 2017 —

Though the jury is still out on whether it’ll be zombies, aliens or a nuclear winter resulting from United States president Donald Trump’s hand hovering over the missile “launch” button, one thing is for sure — we are all preparing for the end of the world as we know it and that includes our professors. Here are eight types of professors who are most likely survive when everything goes to shit.

 

The ancient history professor: 

We don’t mean an actual history professor, but rather, that prof who makes Betty White seem like a spring chicken. They’ve seen so many academic revolutions that — compared to this armageddon — they remain unfazed in the face of change. Their vast arsenal of particular knowledge and self-assuredness from years in the ivory tower makes them an effective road warrior-esque leader.

Likeliness to survive: 70 per cent.

 

 The perfectionist professor: 

This one is pretty obvious. If you thought they were awful when they only had a small amount of power over your grade, you have no idea what power they’ll wield now. These profs will become all-powerful wasteland warlords. Good luck — and don’t miss the deadlines to file your ration report.

Likeliness to survive: 80 per cent.

 

The sessional professor: 

Being dropped into the middle of a group of students with little to no prep time has made these instructors the perfect survivalists. While they might not know what the heck is going on half of the time, they will always defend their improvised decisions.

Likelihood to survive: 60–80 per cent, depending on whether they receive tenure.

 

The tenured professors: 

These professors ain’t afraid of no ghosts. Tenured profs will carry their smug indifference into the apocalypse. They’re the wisecracking background characters who seemingly never die or change.

Likelihood to survive: 100 per cent — they have fucking tenure.

 

The absent-minded professor:

This prof loses every piece of student work submitted, never responds to your emails and still has the audacity to give you a C-. Balls like that will help them stare down any issue until the end of times, but they will be destroyed when it comes down to student evaluations of their leadership.

Likelihood to survive: 60 per cent.

 

The research professor: 

This professor doesn’t even know the world is coming to an end since they’re so far buried in their research. They’re still pipetting as the bombs go off around them. If they do manage to survive,
they’re almost guaranteed to be published, since there’s no one left to give them a poor peer review.

Likelihood to survive: 90 per cent.

 

The newly-minted professor: 

With a freshly printed PhD in hand, this prof just left the mould and still smells like a graduate student — and undergraduate students attempting to survive the apocalypse can tell. This professor’s attempts to please everyone will cause them to be taken advantage of, giving their students the last of their bullets in attempts of approval. Sadly, this one doesn’t have a chance.

Likelihood to survive: five per cent.

 

The thoughtful and effective professor: 

This professor, like a mutant race of mole people, is just another wasteland myth and doesn’t actually exist. While we encourage you to still believe in fanciful creatures to stave off the despair of the apocalypse, this creature is just too beyond belief. We can all dream, though.

Likelihood to survive: undefined.

 

This article is part of our humour section.