U of C to literally charge an arm and a leg for parking

By Evan Lewis, January 25 2018 —

The University of Calgary recently announced further changes to the cost of parking on campus during the most recent Board of Governors meeting. The price of on-campus parking in several lots will change from $7 to an actual arm or leg.

“People are saying that we’ll be charging both an arm and a leg for parking, which is an outlandish hyperbole,” read an announcement on the university’s website. “Instead, we’ll give drivers the opportunity to select which limb they wish to exchange for a place to park.”

The announcement went on to state that the U of C is looking for more alternative forms of payment, as some students may be limited by the number of limbs they currently possess to pay with.

“We recognize the inherent issue with this system. Being able to park for only four days out of a lengthy student career won’t be enough for a majority of students. The U of C is looking to expand payment options to organs such as kidneys, livers and even the left ventricle of the heart.”

Surprisingly, the proposed change has been received well among students.

“I prefer it, honestly,” said Mayala Santos, a second-year engineering student. “No student has the money to pay for parking, but most of us have body parts.”

James Young, a drama student, informed us that he has removed both of his arms in anticipation of the change.

“I’m very flexible,” he said, his empty sleeves flapping in the wind. “I expect I’ll be an even better driver with only my feet.”

Both student representatives on the Board of Governors voted in favour of the change to charge limbs for parking, describing it as “another great success for student advocacy and representation.”

In a statement issued to the Gauntlet, the school said they hope to implement these changes by next semester. It also mentioned that the school’s automated machines will be replaced by limb collectors, each equipped with the standard-issue rusty hacksaw commonly associated with those in the field of professional dismemberment.

“This is also a great employment opportunity for students looking to pursue a career in human deconstruction,” the statement read. “Applications will be available through the university website.”

This article is part of our Humour section.