Top places to dump someone on campus

By Danial Kazmi, March 14 2018 —

You’re sick of your relationship and you don’t know what to do about it. It’s driving you crazy. You wanted to break up weeks ago but your friends said that it’s taboo to break up with someone so close to Valentine’s Day. They’re dumb. Ignore them. Just put an ad on Craigslist and find new friends — something like, “Looking for: Friends who aren’t stupid. Price: Can’t pay, broke student.” But don’t worry. Be your own friend by taking ownership of your desire to axe your relationship. Here are five spots on campus where you can end things with your partner right now with minimal discomfort on your part.

The sixth floor of TFDL:

Take your significant other for a study session on the keener floor. While you’re there, whisper to them that you need some space but still want to remain friends. Take advantage of the fact that people are banned from talking on the sixth floor, so your former bae can’t explode at you without risking being socially ostracized. Worst case scenario, they hiss at you under their breath and send you some strongly worded texts. Thankfully, you’ll live.

In line at Tim Hortons at MacHall:

The early bird gets the worm — or in this case, out of a crappy relationship. Meet up with your soon-to-be ex around 9 a.m. at Tim’s. While in line, explain how it’s not working out and that they deserve someone better. The crowd of onlookers will discourage them from making a scene. Plus, you can always buy them a double-double and some Timbits to cheer them up if they get upset. Since it’s Roll-Up-The-Rim season, they’ll surely appreciate the gesture.

Olympic Oval:

This is a perfect opportunity to turn a seemingly romantic skating date into a split. After you’ve taken a lap around the oval, let your partner know that your skates are a little too big and you’re going to go get a better size. Then just never come back.

University LRT station:

This spot only works if you two are headed in opposite directions. Wait until the your train is within view before letting them know that it’s been real and that it’s not them, it’s you. Board the train immediately and don’t look back. You’ll get some sweet closure when the operator says, “Destination: Somerset-Bridlewood,” while you picture the other one saying, “Destination: Dumpsville.” Added bonus if you wave goodbye while you speed away.

Your professor’s office:

Take your beau with you to your prof’s office hours. While reviewing your statistics midterm, let it slip that you don’t see a future with them and that it’s over. Real casual. Then let your prof know that you’ll see them again Monday, because you still have no idea what’s going on in that class.