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Fulfil your new school-year resolutions with these horoscopes

By Frankie Hart, September 6 2018 —


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You don’t know what these kids are saying anymore. Orange justice? Fortnight? Can you ‘tea pose’ with spilled tea? Though you resolved to decrypt the language of today’s youth, it’s simply too daunting of a task. At least you tried.


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Your 😎 resolution 🏆 to spice 🌶️ 🔥 up ⬆️ your texts 📱 with emojis 😜 will isolate 😔 you 😢 from your 😭 friends 👯  and family ‍‍‍👨‍👩‍👧‍👦.


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Your resolution to stop drinking will lead you to passing out on your way to class. Maybe you shouldn’t have cut out water too.


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Determined to be more proactive, you’ll start showing up to class hours early. Your professor will note your keen nature and give you extra credit.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’ll find a tired bee in your home and give it sugar water to bring it strength. As you care for more and more bees, your home will become infested, as you become a makeshift beekeeper. You will save the bees! You fulfilled your resolution to maintain a consistent attendance, as you missed all your classes.


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Some might say maintaining an uncomfortable level of eye contact with everyone you pass is a bad resolution and “doesn’t achieve anything.” Those people will never understand.


(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will finally realize your life’s dream of owning a pair of Heelys. Vroom vroom.


(March 21 – April 19)

You didn’t make any school-year resolutions? Guess you’re not achieving anything this year, you punk!


(April 20 – May 20)

You don’t need to study more to raise those grades! In an attempt to outsmart the prof, you take a red pen and write “100 per cent” in the top corner of your quiz before you hand it in. Surely, they’ll simply think they’ve already graded it. Here comes that 4.0, baby.


(May 21 – June 20)

You will dedicate dozens of hours to learning a new skill. After weeks of blood, sweat and tears, you’ll finally be able to tie a cherry stem with your tongue. Maybe you should’ve studied instead.


(June 21 – July 22)

Determined to do good, you will resolve a major conflict by shifting the energetic vibration of a location for the higher good. Wow.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Resolving to take better care of yourself, you will drop out of school and just, like, chill. Wow, this is nice.

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