Study shows September snowfall traumatizes 23 per cent of student population

By David Stewart, September 21 2018 —

For many students, the first month of school can be an ordeal that includes going into debt, pressing assignment deadlines and 6 a.m. alarms. A new study from the University of Frozen Solids in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories warns students of further autumn dangers.

“It’s a massive study,” said Jonathan James Jung, a tenured professor of frozen water, milk and select fruit juices (not from concentrate). “We took samples from universities across Canada and the results were chilling.”

Jung’s study focuses on the mental health of students in relation to snowfall patterns.“Essentially, the heavier the snow, the worse the student feels — especially after Christmas when everything is all grey and dead. And then February hits,” he said, “Some students just can’t take it.”

According to Jung, the most dangerous month for snowfall is September — when student minds are the most fragile.

“When it snows in September…” Jung winced before trailing off, staring into the abyss.

Jung’s study shows that a September snowfall can alter the brain chemistry of a student drastically, causing anger, frustration, resentment and a complete existential meltdown. The amount of students September snowfall impacts can be as high as 23 per cent, though transit-takers are at a much higher risk of general depression.

“A September snowfall can destroy transit riders,” Jung stated, while pipetting orange juice into an ice cube tray. “Not only do you have to take a crowded bus for two hours a day, but now you’re sweaty from your winter coat, you can’t reach your iPhone to switch songs and there’s a depressing layer of slush that remains until April.”

Students should check their sanity daily and remember that the pharmacy is located on the second floor of MacHall and, more importantly, so is the bar.

This article is part of our humour section.