By Anton Charpentier, September 24 2019 —
We’ve all had that moment when you realize you’re going to have to walk all the way across campus to get to your next class. Walking traffic can get really gross at times and there’s nothing more desirable than a quick fix to our modern problems. Fortunately, I’ve compiled a list of things that will solve your daily commute and maybe even raise your GPA. You should really just read this article and solve your problems right away.
10. Wear a study abroad t-shirt and hold a clipboard.
Is there anything more terrifying than making conversation with someone trying to sell you something? Wearing a bright red t-shirt, actively trying to make eye contact and holding a clipboard full of pamphlets will give you a wide berth as you walk the halls. The only downside is potentially running into some weirdo who wants to study medieval history in Budapest.
9. Buy yourself a pair of Heelys.
Remember your first day of grade three when the cool kids would show up to school in their brand-new Heelys? They eventually went on to be the first kids to smoke weed in your class. You know the type. Well, you’re now in your early 20s and can afford the luxury of owning your own set of Heelys. Watch as all your peers see you rolling down the halls at — maybe double to pace — of a regular person. Be careful though, this level of cool comes at the cost of attracting Mountain Dew endorsements and potentially a depressed girlfriend.
8. Just stay home.
One of the most effective ways of avoiding busy hallways or long commutes is simply not even showing up. Sometimes, giving up on things is the best route. Just watch Netflix and eat microwave burritos. Live your best life.
7. Rent a Lime scooter and mac daddy down the halls.
Perhaps the riskiest way of traveling around campus is via Lime scooter. First off, you’re not wearing any protective gear and could easily and spontaneously flip and die. Perhaps, more terrifying though is the amount of sexual appeal you’ll have when you ride down the halls. This level of sexual charisma will turn everyone on, converting the student population into a hoard of lustful zombies just trying to get a piece of you. It’s certainly terrifying wielding that much power, but you’ll be able to traverse campus at a cool twenty-three kilometers an hour.
6. Buy a Stretcher, a paramedic costume and find a buddy. Yell “WE’RE LOSING HIM” as you breeze through the hallways.
Potentially the most elaborate, but emotionally rewarding way of traveling the hallways is by pretending you’re a paramedic. It may be morally dubious, but boy howdy does it work. Simply strap in your buddy to a stretcher and push him down the halls yelling, “We’re losing him,” or “We’ve got a code brown, 21-year-old male and we’re losing airflow.” Everyone will respectfully move to the sides of the hallway as you rush to your next class.
5. Come from the future and use teleportation technology to travel seamlessly between classes.
This one seems like a no brainer, but if you are from the future, don’t be afraid to use your sophisticated teleportation technology to travel between lecture halls. This seems like an obvious choice and I’m pretty disappointed that no one else has thought of it.
4. Buy a longboard, grow a man-bun and take it slow to your next philosophy class.
Hey man, sometimes it’s not about getting somewhere, but how you get there. Forget the trappings of your schedule and just flow, dude. As Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it’s to ride that deck, man, and play some hacky sack in the quad.”
3. Sell your friends’ souls to Satan for the ability to simply smite those who cross your path.
Sometimes the best solution is the edgiest, and this is it. Satan is a powerful being, known to possess the power of the nine realms of hell, and he’s willing to share this power to those who will do his earthly chores, like collecting souls. The power he offers is mighty and will allow you destroy your enemies with awesome and almighty vigor. Being able to morph into a bat or blow up walls with the wave of your hand will definitely help your next commute.
2. Try natural deodorant, or tell people you’re studying actuarial science.
This one is simple, but quite effective. There are two things that will make people want to avoid you at any cost — using a natural deodorant, or telling people you’re in the actuarial science program. Either way, you’ll push everyone away either from your stink or your boring degree. It’s an extreme method, but you can bet your bottom dollar that it will work.
1. Walk really slow down the hallways with your friends and block the flow of traffic.
It’s hard for anyone to be in your way when everyone is behind you. Get five or six of your closest friends and reminisce about the other crimes against humanity that you’ve committed. It’s a cruel method of getting around campus, but it sure is nice when all your problems are behind you. My ex can’t ever run into me if she’s stuck behind me. Jokes on you, world.
This article is part of our humour section.