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A definitive holiday buying guide

By Anton Charpentier, December 18 2019—

Holiday shopping is tough and let’s face it, nobody wants to spend any time thinking about what to buy their loved ones for the most wonderful time of the year. With a glass of scotch in one hand and a brain full of knowledge in the other, I have compiled a list of unisex gifts perfect for everyone of all ages. 

A gold-panning kit:

I recently read on Reddit that modern currency is worthless and that the only currency that will matter in the future is gold. Gold is made in supernovas and cannot be replicated by human technology. Thus, it will always have value. I then burned my money and started searching for gold and it is not going well. Apparently, I could have just bought gold with my money. But I digress. You should secure your loved one’s futures by buying them a gold-panning kit so they can gain enormous wealth by wading through shallow rivers in the Yukon. 

The contract to your immortal soul:

If you’re hurting for cash, giving away your soul as a gift is an easy alternative. Sure, it will cost you in the sense that your eternal soul will be in the hands of whomever you give it to, but at least you gave them something. Once, I went to a birthday party and forgot to bring a gift, so I purposely fell down their staircase in order to hospitalize myself. It worked, but I lost an arm and a leg in the process. If only I had thought about giving away my soul earlier. Oh well, you live and you learn.

A salmon coloured suit:

“Party in the streets, business in the sheets,” is what everyone will think when you strut down the streets in this timeless look. Here are a series of truth bombs — you’ll make more money and you’ll enter a polyamorous relationship and you’ll literally become the leader of a country. That’s the power a salmon suit can bestow on a person. Now imagine giving that power to someone and the resulting number of favours they will owe you. You see, real power isn’t in the hands of the beholder, it’s in the hands of the person who gave that power away. You’re now the puppet master of the most powerful person in your country. Salmon coloured suit, baby.

The deed to a long-lost island off the coast of Santa Barbara:

Rumour tells of a long-lost island off of the California coastal city of Santa Barbara. I heard about this island while guiding a peyote trip for retired school teachers in the Nevada salt flats. While flying high, an English teacher with a long white beard exclaimed, “There is an island hidden from man’s modern technology that grows luscious banana trees and its beaches are coated in gold!” He then cried for several hours in my arms and revealed that if someone finds the deed to the island, they get to own the island. Not too shabby of a gift, I’d say.  

Meal vouchers from IKEA:

The IKEA restaurant is the only Michelin star restaurant in Canada, and it is insanely affordable. I went down there the other day, it was like, three bucks for like a big plate of mac and cheese and for two more bucks I got like, a bunch of meatballs. These are expertly prepared meals! It’s unbelievable and you can buy furniture while you are there in the restaurant. You could theoretically buy someone one meal a week for like, one hundred bucks. This is the best deal of the decade. Your loved ones will be smiling ear to ear asking for an EKTORP couch with a side of Swedish meatballs.

A brick:

Growing up amidst war on terror, it can be hard for people to feel safe without a weapon. Perhaps the greatest gift you can give is that of protection. I recommend a brick, the most versatile weapon ever invented. Imagine, if you will, that you are in a bank and all of a sudden several masked robbers burst in, guns blazing. You’re herded into the middle of the floor with the rest of the customers — but unlike the others, you have a brick. When one of the robbers is distracted by a panicking older gentleman you whip out the brick and bonk him on the head, knocking him out instantly. The other robbers notice and fire a flurry of bullets at you, but you use your brick to shield yourself. They run out of bullets and fall into shock that you’re still alive. You grab the bags of money, throw your brick at the window and run. Now you have a solid four million in cash. A brick is by far the best gift you can give. 

Happy holiday shopping!

This article is part of our humour section.

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