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Back to school horoscopes

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, September 14 2020 —


(August 22 – September 22)

You lost and got back all three of your jobs over the last few months with no vacation time. As school begins again you wonder if it was worth it, but also you got the new AirPods so your voice of reason has been drowned out.


(September 23 – October 22)

The stars declare that your TikTok clout is non-transferable to improve your GPA. Maybe try less TikTok dances and more studying.


(October 23 – November 22)

In an effort to seem more friendly during classes, you download some funky backgrounds for your Zoom video. Just don’t choose the one with flames … it gives off way-too-realistic 2020 vibes.


(November 23 – December 21)

Online classes are your desired battleground. You are there to win, not to make friends. How do you win? You’re not sure…


(December 22 – January 20)

The start of semester crept up on you and you have totally forgotten to do any of the readings. That’s definitely not because of COVID-19, it just seems to be the way you do things every year.


(January 21 – February 19)

After months of doing crafts, you decide to open that Etsy shop you’ve always wanted. Maybe you can turn your Econ textbook into earrings when the repurposed Skip the Dishes boxes sell out.


(February 20 – March 20)

Being one of the lucky ones to have in-person lectures, you decide to try out your new outfits and see if you catch anyone’s eye. Sadly, you’re the only one with a sense of style who matches your masks to your clothes.


(March 21 – April 20)

To keep up with your PSL addiction, you need to wake up earlier than usual to make that drive to Starbucks and back before classes start. May you be speedy (but safe) and may people stay six feet away from you.


(April 21 – May 20)

You’ve ghosted everyone during the entire quarantine and now you have resurfaced only to face the consequences of your actions.


(May 21 – June 21)

Your lack of contact with people this quarantine has bled you dry and now you’re ready to engage with anybody, even if it means group work.


(June 22 – July 22)

Due to the lack of in-person labs this semester, you decide to take matters in your own hands and set up your own lab. Your budget won’t cover more than one beaker and your mom won’t let you use her glassware. 


(August 23 – September 21)

Your Zoom crush is back and looking better than ever! Maybe online classes aren’t so bad.

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