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Your Halloween Horror-scopes

By Sophie Janos, October 30 2020—


You’ll spend the night on Tinder looking for a bone. Your desire to get some hallowiener, as always, will outweigh any fear of catching a contagious virus or two. 


You will have a horror movie marathon with your crew, over Zoom. Unfortunately, all the glitching and lagging will really take away the impact of jump scares. 


When you leave your house to go shopping for the first time in weeks, you’ll find yourself surrounded by scarecrows, skeletons and… Santa? You’ll end up wasting this spooky holiday trying to regain a sense of time. 


In the light of a full moon on Halloween, you’ll get that cauldron bubbling and those special ingredients ready. This is your moment. 


The loneliness of quarantine will take its toll and you will form an intense emotional attachment to your jack-o-lantern. You’ll keep telling yourself it’s just a pumpkin, but there’s just something about him…


You will post a pic on Instagram in your costume as a sexy COVID-19 nurse. Your caption stating that you’re ready to punish a naughty virus will definitely get you loads of attention.


During your chemistry midterm, you will panic and whip out your Ouija board trying to get some answers from the beyond. C’mon spirits, is the answer A or C?


You already have your bowl of raisin boxes ready to hand out this Halloween. You are truly a menace to society. Think of the children!


You’ll slip and conk your head on a gravestone decoration that’s a little too realistic. After a trip to the ER, you’ll receive many compliments on your Frankenstein “costume.” 


Ignoring social distancing rules, you’ll decide to throw a Halloween party. The real fright of the night will come when an unmasked clown starts coughing by the refreshments.


Your calculus midterm grade is finally up. Now THAT’s what I call scary!


Did you know there will be less trick or treaters this year? Yes. Did you still buy way too much Halloween candy? Yes. Did you eat all the leftovers in one sitting? That’s what I thought.

This article is part of our humour section.

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