Horoscopes: The signs’ summer shenanigans
By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, September 3 2021—
Summer is coming to an end and school is approaching rapidly so what better way to finish it off than with some shenanigans? DISCLAIMER: Attempt at your own risk and with caution. Or don’t, I’m not the boss of you.
Virgo
(August 22 – September 22)
Binge-watch cheesy rom-coms. While you still have free time, use it to watch something that will get you in touch with your emotions. Being all-business gets boring so invite a friend — or go it alone if you’re feeling brave — and put on something with Hugh Grant or Julia Roberts.
Libra
(September 23 – October 22)
Go sky diving. Take a chance on something more thrilling than usual. This will help you just jump into things without having to weigh all the pros and cons. Take a leap of faith — literally.
Scorpio
(October 23 – November 22)
Post the first photo you take without editing it. You can’t keep taking over 20 photos of the same pose and then go through your camera roll to scrutinize every detail. Sometimes it’s good to be spontaneous and let others see a more candid version of you.
Sagittarius
(November 23 – December 21)
Tell someone you love them. I will be nice and say a family member or a close friend counts. You still have to say it to someone as follows: “I love you.” It can be something truly terrifying but I believe that you will greatly benefit from it. They might even say it back but don’t hold it against anybody.
Capricorn
(December 22 – January 20)
Open up to your friends. Even though it’s not your own choice, you carry a mysterious vibe. No need to keep that act and let those close to you in. Tell them what’s going on, especially the embarrassing stuff.
Aquarius
(January 21 – February 19)
Make a five-year plan. The best way to avoid the fear of the future is to make a plan for it and stick to it. No more daydreams and trying to “go with the flow” — trust me, you will appreciate having a little insight as to where you’re going.
Pisces
(February 20 – March 20)
Steal a boat. Life is too short to not do a little crime. Just make sure you return it in one piece once you’ve done your laps with it. Don’t think too much of the consequences.
Aries
(March 21 – April 20)
Relax. You’re already a firecracker so might as well take a break and smell the roses. I hear meditation and yoga can be very good to keep you centred.
Taurus
(April 21 – May 20)
Compete in a pie-eating contest. Nothing says fun like a competition involving a wonderful pastry. Impress your friends and family with your cavernous stomach as you eat as much as you can. Aim to win that blue ribbon.
Gemini
(May 21 – June 21)
Explore an abandoned building alone. You’ll have a fun story to tell all your friends and also get some cool pics with this as your background. Make sure not to disturb anything that looks suspicious, exorcists can get very expensive these days.
Cancer
(June 22 – July 22)
Swim around in the Glenmore Reservoir. Swimming through your emotions is easy enough so take it a step further and try some new waters like the reservoir here in Calgary. For an extra challenge, get the authorities’ attention to chase you around and get a workout out of it.
Leo
(July 23 – August 21)
Run for mayor. Just because Leo season is over doesn’t mean you can’t remain in the spotlight. There are over 20 candidates already so what’s one more? If running for mayor seems like too much, take a moment to reconnect with your inner Leo and read this again once you get that self-esteem back.
This article is part of our humour section.