Opinions & Features Workshop (Oct 26th)

Illustration by Valery Perez

Horoscopes: Perfectly normal Halloween costumes

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, October 22 2021—

When you’re giving out candy this year, what should you wear?

Libra 

(September 23 – October 22)

You will start dressing up as a mad scientist but then decide that you would actually rather be a plague doctor. Unfortunately, as you’re transitioning between costumes people will start coming to your door and you’ll have to open it mid-change. 

Scorpio 

(October 23 – November 22)

You want a costume that is both sexy and spooky. A sexy ghost is what you decide on — the white-sheet-with-fishnet-stockings-kind of sexy ghost. Parents will give you menacing looks

Sagittarius 

(November 23 – December 21)

You’ve spent all your time making sketches and drawings for the perfect costume and those will be all you have to show for it. To make up for your lack of costume, you will throw on your fanciest clothes and will get complimented all night — but you’ll know this was not your vision.

Capricorn 

(December 22 – January 20)

You coordinate with Virgo to wear an anatomically correct horse costume where you each take either the front half or the back half. You lose in a battle of will with Virgo and get the back half.

Aquarius 

(January 21 – February 19)

Trying to stand out this year, you decide to get as many skull decorations as you can. Your costume will be the Skull King as you tie and glue skulls together to make an exoskeleton for yourself. It will be terrifying and no one will come to your house.

Pisces 

(February 20 – March 20)

As a tribute to your sign, you choose to go as a reverse-mermaid. You use the biggest sequins you can find to create a beautiful fish head and flippers for your arms. 

Aries 

(March 21 – April 20)

Inspired by a certain Young Adult novel series, you try to find out what kind of costume materials are flammable but also won’t burn you. You will be considered a fire hazard and a danger to everyone around you.

Taurus 

(April 21 – May 20)

You’re a low-effort type of person and also feel no pressure to dress up. This works against you as the matching tracksuit that you decide to put on will make people think you’re dressed up as  an exhausted student, telling you how accurate it looks — especially with your dark circles standing out. 

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 21)

You try to choose a good costume that would make a good impression, so you decide on being a giant pumpkin. You use cardboard and paper maché to create it and leave it in the garage for the time being, but it doesn’t make it to Halloween night, just like Cinderella’s carriage.

Cancer 

(June 22 – July 22)

You decide to wear old, white bed sheets like a toga with wreaths in your head to resemble the  Greek gods and goddesses. You will end up emulating Dionysus and may overshare to your visitors your lack of preparedness. Next year aim for a sexy Gandalf costume.

Leo 

(July 23 – August 21)

You will be in the spotlight this year by being the spotlight. You find a way to carry multiple spotlights around you, but the issue will be that you need to plug everything in so everyone can only know it’s you if they need the plug.

Virgo 

(August 22 – September 22)

You coordinate with Capricorn to wear an anatomically correct horse costume where you each take either the front half or the back half. You won in a battle of wills with Capricorn and got the front half.

This article is part of our humour section.


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